Yesterday I attended mass for all souls day. Our church invites anyone who has lost a loved one at any time, but especially those who have lost people in past year. I wanted to go in honor of Gracie.
Well I am not sure if it was good or bad - I was very emotional right from the start, couldn't stop the tears. At one point I wanted to leave, actually run, because I wanted to sob openly and I sure didn't want to do it there. But it was at a time that everyone was sitting and I didn't want to draw attention to myself. As I sat there, my abdomen cramped so hard, I didn't know if was going to be sick or pass out - I am not sure I could have stood and walked out. All I could do was keep breathing deeply. It kept happening in waves - it was so intense it was scary. Then when it was time to place a candle in her honor, I of course was a basket case. I was embarrassed.
I don't know why these moments come over me when I am not in a place where I can just let it out. It happens at work, church, when I am frustrated, pissed. I know the the pain in by abdomen is caused by trying to keep it all inside - I know I am supposed to feel it and let it happen, but that isn't always possible. Even today, I feel like I did 1000 crunches (I should be lucky to be able to do that) - I hurt.
I am going to be at planning meetings for work the next 3 days - 12 hrs. a day and I don't give a dang about work right now. I know that much of my angst with some of my co-workers stems from this whole thing - but I seem to be unable to control it or handle it. My boss asked what I needed, she has been a godsend in this, she asked if I feel God with me and the answer I said was NO. I mean I have asked for help, but I don't feel it - I don't know if I can right now.
I am mad that I have fallen in to this bottomless pit of dispair - and I know it logically but I can't stop it. I don't understand it - I know she's gone and she is not coming back - I have never reacted like this. Some people have said that there is more wrapped up in this, but I don't understand why, I thought I was OK with all that has happened - it is just life, everyone goes through struggles, I haven't gone through anymore then most people.
I wanted to write last night after mass, thought it might help but I was too upset and exhausted. I came home and ate a little and went to bed. Even after 8 hours of sleep, I think I could have slept till noon.
I just read the blog of the one of the mom's whose son got his wings a couple of weeks after Gracie and she has had her share of struggles. She has been really working hard at raising money for CHD, UofM hospital and raising awareness for all types of congenital heart defects - she has done alot. I am not sure that even if I had the time, that I could do what she has done. In her latest blog she wrote about a very serious illness she just had and was hospitalized and put on ventilator - she saw her son and was able to speak with him and God and she has found her faith again and some peace. Some people will not believe that story or will have all kinds of reasons for it - but I was happy for her and even a little jealous - not of her illness, but the gift she was given. '
This blog has been a little bit of everything and I am resisting the urge to delete it, but I will be brave and just put it out there. It is just where I am at for now - I promised to write as if no one is reading.
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