Christmas without Gracie

We were lucky that we had Christmas with you last year - it is so special to have a baby a Christmas - you were only 6 days old and slept through most of it. 

We all talked about what Christmas would be like in 2009 when my grandkids would be 4, 3, 2 & 1 - it would be great - we had no idea you would be spending Christmas in heaven the next year and we would be missing you so much.





This year as I sang in the choir - I was constantly thinking of Gracie and when it was time for the children to lay the baby Jesus statue in the manger - and we had to sing Away in a Manager - well - I couldn't help but I started to cry.

This year was a different year for sure!!  We did  all things we normally do for the Grandkids and they opened gifts until they were tired of it.  They were great - but Katie and I were always very cognizant of who was missing and wishing she were here.  Katie overall did pretty good - although she is not having good days since - seems to be having a lot of bad dreams - (my thoughts are it is from trying to keep it all inside) so she missed the second family gathering with cousins and aunt.    I was disappointed she didn't make it and sorry that Wayne missed out - but I also understood and I so wish I could do something to help her.

At the family gathering on Sunday - I was showing the pictures we just had taken of the grandkids and I said to my sister - I don't know what to do about Gracie's picture - (meaning it won't match the other kids pictures) and she said - just put it in your bedroom. -   I became instantly angry and said, I WILL NOT  - She existed and I won't pretend she didn't.  I didn't yell it and my sister is pretty hard of hearing so she didn't hear me either - which is probably good.    I don't think she meant anything by it - I think she thought I was saying I wanted to take it down - but that was not what I "meant".    It does really make me mad when people look at the grandkids pictures and pretend that Gracie's isn't there.    

It was a nice Christmas but the absence of Gracie was very much present in my heart and mind.  With every gift I wrapped - I was very aware of not wrapping any for Gracie.   Earlier this year I attended an auction for the Child Abuse and Neglect Council and bought an Elmo Kitchen set - I bought it with the intention of giving it to Wayne and Gracie this Christmas - Wayne loves Elmo and loves to play "cook" and thought it would be perfect with a little sister right behind him.    So this year when he opened it - all I could think of was;  it would have been great to have Gracie here and tried to envision the both of  them playing with it. 

Yes we made it though the holiday and soon it will be 2010.  This year has been filled with so many ups and downs and so many losses (5 others in addition to Gracie).  Of course NOTHING  compares to the loss of Gracie - and we continue to struggle with the loss - some days are better then others, but she is never gone from our hearts and minds - If the truth be told, I don't want her to be... I want to keep her with me, not the sadness but the part that makes me smile and feel the absolute pure love she brought out in all of us. I want to keep the absolutely amazing part of Gracie with me forever.

Gracie -  we love you... forever and always!!

Gracie's 1st. Birthday

Today our angel is 1 year old.  I was remembering the 48 hours prior to her birth;  we had a huge snowstorm that night = 10" by morning.  Today we had snow again - not a big storm buy snow and flurries all day.  

Dear Gracie:

One year ago today you came in to this world.  I was so honored to be at our birth and  to know that you would also have part of my name.  Your mom did a great job all through delivery - but when you finally decided it was time, you came pretty fast at 3:30am weighing 6 1/2 lbs and 18" long. 

Today I sent up a balloon to you - a pink mylar snowman and I wrote a birthday message for you.  I watched float away until it disappeared.   Today the hole inside me was opened again, as I wished I could see you and hold again.  I want to know what you would look like today.   Your brother and I made chocolate cake and he ate enough for both of you.   He kept calling it birthday cake even though I did not speak of your special day. 

I hope you are celebrating with Ethin and all the other baby angels.  I hope that you will again fill the hole that is now open;  I miss the warmth that had come in to fill it. 

I wish I had a great poem to give you Gracie.  I also wish the new picitures of your brother and cousins, that will soon hang on the wall, would not make it so obvious that you are no longer here.  I will be making an annual donation in your name to Ronald McDonald House in Ann Arbor, which allowed your parents and me to be there with you. 

I hope you can see the lights down here this Christmas and you can see how much we miss you and love you.    I hope and pray you can somehow feel our love.

We were so blessed to have you and you brought us so much in return

Love you Always and Forever Gracie!!    Happy Birthday our forever Baby Angel.

Love, Grammie

A birthday balloon for you!!

You didn't like not being swaddled.

Coming home to Grammie's house and meeting your brother who said, "that not Gracie, that baby"

Grammie enjoying giving you a bottle after your first night home.  I was giving mom a rest, since you were up all night !!

Poem - Christmas in Heaven

This was posted on another child's blog - who earned is wings on November 25th.

I guess I should have waited till Christmas for this as her birthday is in 3 more days but it is appropriate.    I will release a balloon and wish her happy Birthday and dream a picture of what she would look like today.  I am picking her brother and we'll make a cake and I will silently sing happy birthday to her.    Still looking for a special charity to make a donation in her honor - I think maybe the Ronald McDonald house or UofM hospital.  

I love you Gracie - always and forever in my heart.   Fly high with all the angels!!



Christmas in Heaven


by Unknown



'Tis Christmas in Heaven

What a beautiful sight!

It's my first one here;

Everything is all right.

The crib is adorned

With the brilliance of stars,

Wisemen have come

From Venus and Mars.

I've met all our dear ones

Who preceded us here;

The reunion was lovely,

An event full of cheer.

And tonight we'll all gather,

In reverence we'll kneel,

For the Babe in the cradle

Up in Heaven is Real.

I think of my family

that I left behind

And I pray that your Christmas

Is as blessed as mine

Please shed no more tears,

For my soul is at rest,

Just love one another;

Live life to its best.

Yes, It's Christmas In Heaven,

So I've heard them say,

Yet, Christmas In Heaven

Happens every day.

Six months

Yesterday was 6 months since we last saw our Gracie and held her hand and kissed her face.

Eleven more days till her first birthday - hard to imagine it - what would she look like.   As I wrap the Christmas gifts, I think about all the gifts I would have wrapped for her.  Her brother and cousins of course would have had a lot of fun "help" her open her gifts.    Hard to believe she would be walking and trying to talk.    So hard to imagine - we said good bye to a little baby - she will always be our  Angel Baby. 

I  am frustrated that I don't know how to honor her birthday - I don't want to be morose, but I want to acknowledge it and tell her Happy Birthday.    Maybe I will write her a letter that day - I am no poet. 

Here she as few scratches on her face - she was born with the longest finger nails - she needed a manicure.  Only 3 days old!!

Gracie's Christmas Bulb

Thanksgiving brought lots of people and my grandkids - they had a great time.  Gracie's name came up a few times during the day and my daughter handled it really well. 

The following day we started decorating for Christmas - we have bulbs for each of us with our names on them - a thing my sister started with her family years ago and I gave ornaments every to my kids growing up.  Each kids has an ornament with their name and so when the grandkids started coming - they got ornmanents (red stockings) with their names on them - Since Gracie was born 6 days before Christmas - we did not have time to get her ornament made before the holiday.   So this year - I had a different one made at a craft show - it is a big round ornament with a pink angel on it and she is is holding a heart ornament - actually the ornaments were pre-made like this with different colored angels on them and they stated "In Memory of..."  and I had them put Gracie Lou on it.    It was one of the first ornaments on the tree and of course it brought tears, but she deserves an ornament on the tree like everyone else. 

Later in the evening as sat on the couch looking at the tree - I noticed her ornament swayed from side to side a few times and no other ornaments did - I just smiled....  and said - I Love You too Gracie!!

Today as I was shopping for Christmas - only one of the stores really bothered me.  It was small store in town and I think it reminded me of shopping for Gracie there just before she was born and I had not been in there since before Easter when I bought Gracie her summer outfits there.  I imagine they are all still in the closet with the tags on them - she never got to wear any of them.  Part of me wants to ask my daughter - they should go to another child who can wear them - but I just can't do it right now.  It is really up to my daughter to decide what to do with them. 

I remember this time last year I was getting so excited for her to be born - I was going to be there for this birth.  She was the only grand child who seem to always respond when I would talk to my daughters belly and rub it - it was so comical and my daughter and I would just giggle at how much and consistenly she would kick and move when I did this.   I think I was more nervouse for her birth then I was for any of the other grandkids - maybe because Iwas going to be there for the actual birth.    It was the one time that I kept my cell phone on at all times -  I had to learn how to put it on silence/vibrate when I was work or church. 

Her birthday is fast approaching - I wish there was a cemetary to go to - but she was cremated and her ashes are in pink urn at my daughter's house - she wanted her home with her.    I never thought much about the difference of cremation vs. burial.   But sometimes I wish I could go to a place where she is (even though I know she isn't really there) and be able to sit or stand and talk or put flowers or what ever.     I think I will release a balloon on her birthday. 

I can't help but remember my step-daughter saying - "Next year, Christmas will really be fun  - we have  4, 3, 2 & 1"  (ages of the grandkids).  I remember thinking wow - you're right and I also remember a wierd quick fear come in to my head - like don't say that or something will happen - the kind of silly stuff you say to yourself.  But this year we have 4,3 & 2 and the angel who be in hearts. 

When I turned the page of the Calendar - there it was - Gracie's Birthday #1 - big red letters - I felt like I couldn't cross it off and yet I feel like I need to do something before my daughter comes over for Christmas - kind of dumb I guess - but it is those little things that throw you and you are just not equipped to know what to do or how to handle it.  

Thanksgiving Day...

There will be an empty spot today in our hearts and at the table, but we will always be thankful for you Gracie!!  I know you will be with us today in spirit and know that we love you and miss you. 

Your brother still talks about you and still doesn't have an understanding of where you went, he only knows the words we tell him.  '

Fly with all the angels today Gracie - I am thankful you graced our lives!!

Made my day....

These days I really find myself being able to feel very close to Gracie, carrying her inside.  I still cry but it is different, like bitter sweet tears - missing her and loving her and glad I had the chance to have her be a part of my life.    I hope she never leaves this place inside me. 

Had the pictures of all the grandkids taken with me and my daughters - we had fun doing it and we had Izabel hold a little bear to symbolize Gracie.    Izabel then decided she wanted to hold the bear in almost all the pictures and that was ok too.  The pictures turned out so darn cute. 

I know when I hang them all on the wall that it will be very apparent as Gracie's picture will not match all the rest, and will never change as they will, through the years.  She will forever remain our baby Gracie!!  She is spending her first Thanksgiving in heaven - but I am thankful she was in our lives, even though it wasn't long enough.  "bitter/sweet tears"

One of the families we met at the hospital is now back home and they are taking care of their daughter who recently had to be hospitalized again.  I follow their blog regularly to keep up dated on their daughters progress.   I don't often write comments to them, but decided to a couple of days ago.    Today when I read the blog they had written this and it made my day!!

As many of you know we met a lot of very special people while we were in Ann Arbor. We thank God for blessing these people in our lives. One of the families we met lost their little Gracie in June. We think of their family often. Louann writes to Taya and it touches our hearts that she thinks and prays for us. When we got into Taya's room at the hospital we looked up at the ceiling tile and it had the name "Gracie". We instantly knew everything would be okay. We just know that little Gracie is looking down on Taya. We pray that Gracie's family feels the warmth of friends and family and are comforted by the special memories they have of Gracie

Eleven Months today

Today, Gracie would have been 11 months old -  I wonder how long her hair would be,  how many teeth she would have, how much her looks would have changed as she began to turn from infant to a toddler?   Would she still have pudgy cheeks or would she have lost those by now?   Would she look like her mom?   Would she giggle big belly laughs like her brother or have her own unique giggle that would make us laugh too?  She may have even been walking by now - not wanting to let her big brother get anything over on her.

I am sure she would still have a giant smile that would light up our world!!  Big blue eyes that would sparkle. 

I am sure that she is happy and perfect where she is at today and will be our families guardian angel. 

Dear Gracie - I love you - Always and forever!! You will live in my heart, you were a gift to us - you brought about many positive changes in our family and I am thankful you came in to our lives.    Love, Grammie

Gracie's with me...

I am not sure I can describe what has recently changed.   I have been extremely depressed and couldn't stop it no matter how much I tried.   

Recently when at a training class we were talking about creating our future (work), but being so lost in myself and my life that I began to think about that.  Future - what is that future without Gracie, how great can a future be when my heart has been torn apart and my chest feels like there is a hole it?  So I sat there listening for awhile, really resisting that there could be any good, great or wonderful future.    I remember thinking please God, you have to help me here and all of a sudden it came to me - I am the grandmother of 3 (should be 4 and was 4 and will always be 4), but I am the mother of 3 grandchildren on earth, who I love dearly and I know love me too.    I know this sounds simple and the truth be told, I haven't stopped seeing or being with my grandchildren, but now there is some freedom to really feel their love and let my love for them come out.     No child replaces another - so that is not what I am speaking of here. 

At that time something in my heart and mind just switched like a light switch.  And Gracie moved from somewhere out there -where I couldn't see or touch  her and was afraid she would be forgotten and that I needed  to hold  on to all the pain or she would be lost.   At that moment  Gracies's spririt became part of me and I could really smile and feel this warmth inside and even joy - I could now feel her with me and I no longer feel like I don't have her.   Of course I would rather have her here in body to hold and play with - I will always want that and would give anything to have it - but I now feel like I have a little piece of her with me.  She is not totally lost to me.  I can be a grammie to all 4 of them now!

All this sounds a little crazy I am sure and I wish I could articulate it better.  I wish I understood it better.   Maybe she is just helping me pick myself up so I can be the grammie that I love being to my grandkids on earth.   Two days after this "switch" I was in the store and someone asked me how my grandkids I had and of course I wanted to say 4, but I said 3 and just as I was starting to feel bad about it, I got this very warm, peaceful feeling inside me, which resulted in this gentle smile on my face.  I don't know where it came from, because I sure didn't feel like smiling, but I knew that it was Ok and she was Ok with it and that it didn't mean I had forgotten her, I have her in a special way now - (almost feels a little selfish). 

Tomorrow she will be gone 5 1/2 months - the same amount of time she was here with us.   Sometimes it feels like yesterday she was here and other times it feels like she has been gone forever.  Just when I think I can't miss her more, I do and I still cry - (I'am told that is good for me), but I now know I have a little piece of her in me.  I will love her always and forever in my heart. 

I know I still have a long ways to go with my grieving - it is not over and never will be, it will change and it will show itself in many other forms - I am going to try to accept the grieving process and let happen whenever it does and try not to resist it.  I have started to believe that if I keep resisting it, that I am also resisting feeling her too and I don't want that.

Collage for Gracie

http://www.hopecollage.org/2009/11/gracie-lou.html

FEAR

Something happened a week agon and this past week I seem to have turned a corner.  This week I have not wanted to sleep all day and getting back to doing things again.  I admit though that getting ready for Thanksgiving seems a little overwhelming, but I don't think it is much more then normal. 

I don't fool myself though - I know I still have sorrow and pain and if asked just right questions, tears can flow.  I went to dinner this past Friday with my sister-in-law and a couple of her friends.  I was the first one to arrive and the next was the person that I am very comfortable with and know pretty well.  We began talking about a lot of things, and when I told her that I too was not going up north with my sister-in-law and the other person, she was suprised and asked why.  So I told her that I have been struggling and I didn't want to go away for the entire weekend right before Thanksgiving.  She respectfully stated that she was sorry for my loss and asked how my daughter was doing and her son.  She then asked if minded telling her Gracie's story and part of me was relieved to be able to talk about it and part of me was worried about my emotions etc.  I told her about Gracie and how she died and we shed a few tears together.  My sister-in-law came in just as we were wiping away tears and I tried to tell her that we were talking about
Gracie and it just seemed like she was uncomfortable.  So the conversation switched totally a different way and nothing more was mentioned - it felt like sweeping under the rug and let's pretend we weren't talking about it.  This has been pretty typical of my experience with dealing with this.  

I have people say I don't talk about it enough - but what am I supposed to do?  I have felt much stronger this last week - but I also have fear.   I thought I was doing better before and then I hit a wall and realized how much I hadn't been dealing with Gracie's death.  Then I was in a dark, dark place and this past week I feel I have come out of it -but I fear it is still there, lying underneath and waiting to over take me again. 

I keep second guessing if I am OK or is this just some other phase or am I just pretending and not realizing it.  I don't want to go back in that dark state - it is so overwhelmingly sad, painful and everything is difficult and I couldn't see anything very clearly - like constantly driving down a foggy road.    So I fear it will come back and it scares me. 

This week I went shopping for the giving tree we have at work and I made myself take one of tags for a 3month little girl.  I bought pajamas for her and her little 4yr. old brother.  I have tried to stay away of the baby things in stores and of course I remembered buying Gracie clothes at this time last year.  But when I went shopping, although I thought of Gracie, it was like she was inside with me and I could smile and buy this other little baby a Christmas gift.  I even looked at some Christmas items and felt a little joy at thought of Christmas with my three grandkids.   Oh I know the next 6 weeks are not going to be easy and I am willing to face it - buy I don't want to enter the darkness again and feel powerless to do anything. 

Gracie was a gift and I have come to believe that God gave us extra time with her - we didn't know it at the time, and I have only come to appreciate the fact that we did get extra time.  The doctors don't know how she ever survived the very severe case of RSV she had when she was 6 weeks old - In ICU for a month then  - sedated, medically paralyzed, etc and she came through it and we got 3 more months with her - Thank you God!!  Please hold our Gracie in your loving arms and tell her we love her always.  

Some joy

I have been making more blankets and enjoying it - it may sound silly but I feel very connected to Gracie while I am doing it - like encouragement.  I wish I could articulate it better - but there is a joy and peace while I am doing it.  

I will not fool myself in to thinking that I am through the hard part - did that before.  I have felt stronger the last few days  - but I know we are coming in to a difficult time with her birthday and Christmas so close together - we'll just take 1 day at a time for now.  I know how quickly I can cry - how underneath there is still so much that is raw pain  - but the last few days have been good and I am not feeling as weighed down as before.  I didn't even need to sleep 12 hours a night over the weekend. 

I keep hearing more and more little girls being called Gracie or Grace - I had no idea how popular the name was. I have really been hearing it a lot more lately  - so I've decided that when I do - she is just letting me know she's still with me. 

Gracie's work...

Well tonight I started making blankets again - just for the heck of it -  I found the cutest little girl material.  I guess finishing making those blankets this past weekend - brought back the joy I get in making baby blankets.    Someone said it was Gracie working and maybe they are right - I have been avoiding it, couldn't even think of it - even most of the blankets I sent out are uni-sex or male oriented.  I told myself it was because boys have issues then girls - but I just couldn't do it. 

Today is the first girly blanket I have made since Gracie has been born - I made her a quick one when she went in to the hospital and she loved it - it had a lot of purple on it and she of course loved the bright colors and seemed to like purple the most.

Thank you Gracie - for in  your honor I have remembered some joy!!

In honor of Gracie

One of the mom's from UofM - she is a heart mom because she also had a child with a congenital heart defect.  She has been working tirelessly to bring awareness to CHD and to also honor her son who got his wings 20 days after Gracie.  She is having a heart ball in honor of her son and working with another heart mom to collect blankets to distribute during CHD week in February. 

In honor of Gracie I made 17 blankets and bought a few more to donate.  Today  I completed them and will be sending them to her on Monday.  It seems so little,, in the big scheme of things,  but it made me feel good to do something that I pray it will bring comfort to a child/parent at the hospital.  I know we really appreciated them while we were there and it meant alot. 

I have felt more peaceful the past few days - not exactly sure why.  Maybe it was being away from the office the last 3 days - even though I was at an off site meetings & training and put in 35 hours in 3 days - I was able to speak about how it has been for me at work, which was really hard.  My boss believes in getting things out - being clear is what we call it and so she encouraged me to share what it has been like and it was very, very difficult, but I did it and the team was supportive.  So maybe that is what I need to do more - but it is so hard to do that at work and even in appropriate at times - I don't have a lot of time to keep falling a part at work,

I often think of  all the sickness happening right now, it would have been a difficult and scary time to have a child that should not get sick.  I guess it wouldn't be more scary then what we had already been through - but difficult anyway.  I think of all those children out there and their parents who are hoping they won't catch anything - so I pray for all the heart families that they will make it through this flu season without set backs.

 Ironically I just the call from my other daughter - My oldest grandson has just been diagnosed with the swine flu -

5 Months

Tomorrow will be 5 months since Gracie got her wings.  Ironincally I am taking my other other 3 grandchildren for pictures on this day.   I have been dreading the time that she will be gone longer then she was here.  I am not sure why that matters so much to me, obviously she wasn't here all that long so the day is approaching quickly. 

I no longer relive her last days every Sunday evening, but I do remember the 7th. of every month as an anniversary date for her death.    Last year at this time we were finally getting ready for her birth.  Gracie's early beginnings before her birth were filled with alot of questions and anxiety.  My daughter was not  in a good place to have another child and she thought about giving her up for adoption for a long time.  I know if she would tell the truth; it was after she felt her move she knew she couldn't give her up, but waited a long time to finally tell us.  

In the beginning I anguished over whether or not I could allow my grandchild to be given up.  I love my grandkids, I already had 3 and couldn't imagine giving any of them away.  We even seriously considered adopting her ourselves, that was before we even knew she was a girl.  I realized that I had to let my daughter make her decision and I had to support that decision, no matter what she decided.  I also came to realize that although I didn't want my grandchild given up, that our adopting her would only add to my daughter's issues.  You see; she and I went through a very troubling teenage time and she made decisions that I did not want her to make, but she did.  She and I were now beginning to have a relationship again and I was enjoying my grandson, her first born.  She wanted to make something better for her life and for her son and I wanted to see her succeed..  I knew that our adopting the baby would not work in the end for my daughter for so many reasons.

So I stood by my daughter's decision to give the baby up, even though my other daughter was extremely upset with me.  My other daughter thought I didn't care and I was not being a very good mother or grandmother - Oh ,but she didn't know what it was doing to me.  I couldn't show either one of them, because I couldn't be the reason for the decision my daughter had to make.  I went to the doctor appts and heard the heart beat for the first time with my daughter and I was there for the ultrasound and then the 3D ultra-sound.  I was there when they told us it was a girl and by that time I suspected she wouldn't give her up.  I waited, so torn, not wanting to give her and knowing that it would be a difficult situation for my daughter to keep her too.     Finally she admitted she was going to keep her and inside I was scared but soo excited.  I already knew that from the 3D picture she looked like my daughter - these pictures are so amazing now compared to what they were when my kids were born.  She was sucking her thumb inutero - just like her mom. 

My daughter was trying to put her life together and really wanted to make a life for her daughter and son.  So I made some blankets and bought some clothes to help her get ready for her arrival.   Then there was the picking out of her name.  My daughter liked "old fashion" names and then told me she wanted the baby to have part of my name too.  I was shocked and honored - amazed because this is something that she would have never even thought of before.  It meant we had come a long way for her to want my name for her daughter.   Finally I suggested Gracie - I just threw it out and she liked it.  Then she decided to call her Gracie Lou and asked me to be there for her birth with her.  Again I was really honored to be asked.  (I wasn't even informed of her sons birth until after he was born)    I really began to see my daughter want to manage her life in a different way.   I prayed and hoped it would all turn out well and hoped this would be the catalyst to do it.  I prayed that she made the right decision and that although the path would not be easy, I really thought it was the right choice.   Little did we know what would lay ahead.......

Mass of Remembrance....

Yesterday I attended mass for all souls day.  Our church invites anyone who has lost a loved one at any time, but especially those who have lost people in past year.   I wanted to go in honor of Gracie.

Well I am not sure if it was good or bad - I was very emotional right from the start, couldn't stop the tears.  At one point I wanted to leave, actually run, because I wanted to sob openly and I sure didn't want to do it there.  But it was at a time that everyone was sitting and I didn't want to draw attention to myself.  As I sat there, my abdomen cramped so hard, I didn't know if was going to be sick or pass out - I am not sure I could have stood and walked out.  All I could do was keep breathing deeply.   It kept happening in waves - it was so intense it was scary.  Then when it was time to place a candle in her honor, I of course was a basket case.  I was embarrassed.

I don't know why these moments come over me when I am not in a place where I can just let it out.  It happens at work, church, when I am frustrated, pissed.   I know the the pain in by abdomen is caused by trying to keep it all inside - I know I am supposed to feel it and let it happen, but that isn't always possible.  Even today, I feel like I did 1000 crunches (I should be lucky to be able to do that) - I hurt.   

I am going to be at planning meetings for work the next 3 days - 12 hrs. a day and I don't give a dang about work right now.  I know that much of my angst with some of my co-workers stems from this whole thing - but I seem to be unable to control it or handle it.  My boss asked what I needed, she has been a godsend in this, she asked if I feel God with me and the answer I said was NO.  I mean I have asked for help, but I don't feel it - I don't know if I can right now.

I am mad that I have fallen in to this bottomless pit of dispair - and I know it logically but I can't stop it.  I don't understand it - I know she's gone and she is not coming back - I have never reacted like this.  Some people have said that there is more wrapped up in this, but I don't understand why, I thought I was OK with all that has happened - it is just life, everyone goes through struggles, I haven't gone through anymore then most people. 

I wanted to write last night after mass, thought it might help but I was too upset and exhausted.  I came home and ate a little and went to bed.  Even after 8 hours of sleep, I think I could have slept till noon. 

I just read the blog of the one of the mom's whose son got his wings a couple of weeks after Gracie and she has had her share of struggles.  She has been really working hard at raising money for CHD, UofM hospital and raising awareness for all types of congenital heart defects - she has done alot.  I am not sure that even if I had the time, that I could do what she has done.   In her latest blog she wrote about a very serious illness she just had and was hospitalized and put on ventilator - she saw her son and was able to speak with him and God and she has found her faith again and some peace.  Some people will not believe that story or will have all kinds of reasons for it - but I was happy for her and even a little jealous - not of her illness, but the gift she was given. '

This blog has been a little bit of everything and I am resisting the urge to delete it, but I will be brave and just put it out there.  It is just where I am at for now -  I promised to write as if no one is reading.

Another Day

Well I don't have a lot of patience for people I am working with right now and EVERYTHING feels so personal.  I am quick to anger and then it brings on tears which only makes me more angry.  It is just a very busy time at work and we don't seem to be working together, but rather every person for themselves.  Feels like drowning.

I don't think I am in a space that can really differienate between the "normal stuff" at work and my own junk - it all feels like the same. 

I talked with a good friend today who really got my feelings of depression and how hard it is to make it through the day.  I always thought that a person could get themselves out of a depression if they just realized it.  Well trust me, I've realized it and yet still can't pull myself out of it - not really anyway.  I can make myself do things but everything is hard and overwhelming.  So I am just going to try and do what I can and let the rest go for now, quite frankly even that seems like work.  I am just going to take it one day at a time.  

At least I have talked with my husband and he is very understanding -I am luck and grateful to have him in my life. 

Experience the Grief

"The only way to get through grief is to experience it"  that is what I have been trying to avoid, but apparently that is not the best way!!  I went to my first couseling appointment today - she is very nice and I of course was a mess - normally I can talk about it just fine - but not today - guess I just needed to let it out. 

I feel totally drained, as she said I might and I am just relaxing now.   Funny how when things like this happen you withdraw, instead of letting people in and help you - it is hard to do it - it feels very un-natural for me. 

She thought that blogging was really a good outlet, but thought I was probably worried about doing it right and she is right.  So as I begin to peel back the layers of grief we'll see what falls out.   I guess I just need to start grieving and let it be whatever way it is - not easy for me to do this - but I will try.

OK today...

Today I attended my twin nieces birthdays - lots of kids around.  There was a baby girl - 6 1/2 months and she had no problem coming to me - a complete stranger, her family was suprised.  It was fun to play with her and yes I kept wondering about what Gracie would be doing - but I never confused who I was holding with Gracie and it felt good to hold another baby and be able to enjoy it.  I have always loved babies, cuddling, feeding, rocking - all of it.  It was good to be able to do it again.  I admit though I was a little jealous of the grandmother who has this sweet baby to enjoy and love and I wished I had my Gracie back.

I seemed to have handled it fine - it didn't put me a depressed mood or anything - it was just fine.    I consider this progress for now  - even it is only for the day. 

Bad Day

I don't know what came over me at work today - the same petty stuff was happening and today I was so angry at everyone, I was shaking and I couldn't stop the tears - I was in a strategic planning meeting and I couldn't hold back tears.  I was embarrassed and yet I was so mad - I actually felt like vomiting.  My boss got me calmed down - she is very skilled at listening to people and she always seems to have a calming effect.  But it was always there - underneath and if I didn't keep my mind off of it, I could easily have become a crying mess again..  Even on my drive home - I couldn't stop it and the shaking came back too.  I think I am turning in to a basket case.

I know it is depression - I don't know why I can't shake it - I am a logical person, I know what is happening and I still can't stop it.  If I didn't work - I could so easily stay at home and not talk to a single sole and I would be totally comfortable doing that most of the time.  That is not who I am, I like to be busy and going. 

My sister-in-law has invited me and some other women to go up north for a "girls weekend" - I accepted and now I don't want to go and it seems so overwhelming to do that and be gone the whole weekend etc.  I am having a hard enough time just trying to get my house back in order and do the laundry.  After being gone every weekend to our cottage things at home get put aside, but it all seems exhausting to do.    I think if left to my own - I could sleep 12 hours a day  - again not who I am normally.  I think part of my exhaustion is just working so hard to be normal and pretend it is all OK.

I hate being like this - out of control- feeling like I am faking being something I am not.  I know it is me - I just don't know how to do it differently.  Why can't I get a grip?  I have lost other people in my life and never have gone through this - I loved them too, but I managed to handle the loss much better then this. 

I found out today that apparently my insurance doesn't cover counseling - I was considering not going, but after today I know I need to go, I can't go on like this - I know I can't continue to pretend, it is exhausting.  Maybe I have moved to the angry phase - but why do I seem to cry uncontrollably? 

Grieving process continues....

Recently while attending a communications course, I realized how much I had been burying my feelings of grief.  It was totally a suprise to me, I thought I was doing much better - had gone through all the phases of grief... NOT SO!!  What I saw was that I had been grieving like it was project to complete.  So I convinced myself I was through the worst part of it and now was just missing her- but actually I'm in the denial phase - not denial of her death, but denial that I am still grieving for her. 

I really was able to see how repressed I have made myself in an attempt to "get through it".  I knew I wasn't able to talk about it - which is why I started the blog, but then this wasn't doing for me what I thought.   What I have really repressed is my ability to be with the deep sadness (grief) I have been feeling and pretending I don't.  It has been underlying everything - just waiting to burst out when my guard was down.   So  during the class when were asked to close our eyes and think about a time we experienced real love - I quickly remembered my husband the day I was diagnosed with cancer - I found out that day how much I was truly and deeply loved by my husband.  I used to say it was the best and worst of my life.   Now it was no longer my worst day, and my mind quickly flashed to Gracie's last hours (this happened so fast before I could even think about it, like turning the channel on the TV and there we were,  all in the room saying goodbye to Gracie..  There - in all that horrible sadness and heart break, was this tremendous feeling of total & complete love in that room.  Even when you look at the pictures - you can see pain on my daughters face and you can see incredible love too - it sounds crazy but there was such an outpouring of love for Gracie and for each other - you can see it in pictures.  I remember when I first saw the pictures, what struck me was the how strong and beautiful my daughter looked and then when you looked at everyone else - you can see their pain but through love.  So hard to explain and put in to words. 

I have begun to realize that I have been able to have laughter, but I have been keeping myself closed off to really letting love in and probably out too - because it is like opening a wound again. I have been in denial of all of this. 

I talked with my daughter and told her that what I have been seeing her do - I have been doing the same thing, just in a different way.   I decided it was time to talk with someone and made an appointment.  To my suprise, my daughter has decided to do the same thing - she sees it is taking over her life too.  Depression....some days it feels like a huge and very heavy wet blanket on my shoulders and it is so hard to fight it off - which is why I am exhausted many days.    It takes a lot of work to fight it off and now I realize I just fight it in to submission for awhile - but I haven't defeated it yet.    I sure have done a "pretty good job" hiding it - even from myself.

Gracie would have been 10 months yesterday - I saw a little girl in church on Sunday with big blue eyes - at least I could smile at her, but then I had to look away before the tears came.  What would she be doing now??  I try not to ask those questions - but it is so hard not to. 

My friends have told me to not be so hard on myself - this process will take sometime - I just have realize it is OK to be sad and it is OK to grieve for her and stop trying to rush through the grieving process.

Four Months..

It has been 4 months today that Gracie got her wings.  Sometimes it seems so much longer.  Some days it seems like forever since  I have seen her and touched her.  Other days it seems like it just happened.  She would have been 9 months old this month.  I wonder how long her hair would be and how many teeth she would have.  Would she have a laugh like her brother or love to bounce like he did?  What things would she love to do?

For whatever reason - next month bothers me - when she will be gone longer then she was here - it seems so unfair, afraid that she will not be remembered.  I feel like only her mom and I think about her, no one else wants to talk about it.  I have been to a lot of hospitals for family members since Gracie passed and if I relate anything to Gracie, I can tell it makes people uncomfortable.  I think they feel they need to say something about her and that isn't it at all, I am just relaying an experience.   I need to be able to say her name and talk about her and all I need is people to listen, that's all. 

Recently I was talking with a coworker and discovered that they have been dealing with their child who was injured in an accident as a toddler and is now 7 or 8 and has been in a vegatative state since the injury.  We spoke of  the issues the child has and how illnesses really become severe for the child very quickly.  This person has been thinking about the childs quality of life for some time and has been unable to discuss it with the other parent.  As I listened and could understand the very difficult decision that was being made, I offered that  maybe the other parent could be enrolled in the possibility of giving this child a peaceful death and this childs name is Grace.  I was able to have this conversation for my co-worker to give them support in any way I could, even if it was just listening.   But later, I kept thinking about it and though how odd it was that I would find myself on other side of similar situation and have the childs name be Grace. 

When we were going through the final weeks of Gracie's life, I too had a person talk with me and ask me what I wanted for her?  I knew I didn't want her to suffer, but at first I couldn't think of her dying - but then I realized I wanted her passing to be as peaceful as possible.  I watched my daughter and Gracie's dad struggle with this also - what a horrible decision to have to make.   But in the end, we wanted her to not suffer anymore.  

Still to this day, I wish we could take the decision back - but then I force myself to look at the pictures of her during those last weeks and I know in my head that my daughter made the right decision for her daughter.  I wish I could get it from my head to my heart.

I always pray that I could see her one more time in my dreams, but I never do.  Maybe my head is protecting my heart.

Hugs from Gracie Lou

I have ordered labels to put on the blankets I made for CHD week. It was because of her that I even came in contact with this issue and the people who are doing this. This past weekend we took my daughter and grandson to see my sister in the "hos-sta-ball" and I kept telling him that he was going to see Aunt Jan and he was happy to going to see her. On the way in, he said Gracie is here? His mom said no, she is in heaven and he said, NO she is at the hostaball and he was insistent up on it. My daughter looked worried and sad at the same time. I just turned to him and said Gracie is not at this hostaball and he was OK with that. Even kids have a hard time with it and I know he really has nothing to relate to heaven. All he knows is that is sister went to the hostaball and has never come home.

I miss her...

I miss her so very much and I know my daughter does too. What I wouldn't give to hold her again and see my daughter hold her again.

When I see my daughter so sad - I seem to go in to a tail spin too - not in front of her of course but for days afterwards - oh I can hide it at work and even at home while people are around but it is there underneath everything - heavy and sad.

My daughter and her son want to come to my house this weekend, I need to get myself together before tomorrow night.

Gracie remember... I Love you Forever and Always!!

My Daughter's pain

Today my daughter called in tears because her son had dumped bleach on his clothes and well we all know what bleach does to colored clothes. She has been really trying to get her life together - going back to school, being a single parent to her son and dealing with losing her daughter too. She is working on keeping things going and trying to do more positive things.

Today put her over the edge and as we all know, it wasn't the incident that put her over the edge, it everything that she is keeping inside. She isn't sleeping well, she doesn't eat much or all that healthy and she is having headaches. Feels like there no way out. Some might say she is wallowing in self-pity, but that is not it. She is trying to handle it all on her own.

She has always dealt with things by getting angry and striking back or just burying it inside and pretending, at least to herself, that it didn't matter. Although none of it has been a great way to deal with things, it is how she has done it and doesn't know any other way. I have tried repeatedly to talk to her about a counseling and she doesn't want to talk about it, because she thinks she is past it and doesn't want to bring it up again - she just can't see that she will not be able to deal with like she always has.

Today I heard some of her anguish and the guilt that she still carries inside and I couldn't do anything to help her. I listen and talk and hold her but nothing helps. I wish she would go to counseling and I know some part of her thinks of it - but she also knows that it won't bring Gracie back, there is nothing that will stop the pain. And - she is right - it will still hurt and Gracie will still be gone. My heart just breaks to see her like this and at times I am afraid of what she will become some day if she doesn't learn to work through this.

She feels that because she signed the papers to stop the support, and she held her daughter and watched her turn blue before she took her last breath that she gave up on her and caused her death. She did sign the papers, but we were told she wouldn't recover - some doctors said, "don't lose hope", but they also said that it would take more then a miracle. Gracie's little heart was failing and they had been rescuing for weeks, but her little body was giving out and I knew that day when I walked in to see her that she looked different and I said so the nurse.

The nurse said, she is letting go now and her body is under so much stress, her blood sugars were now in the high 200's and they were giving her insulin to try to regulate it. This of course was in addition to the other 19 IV's she had going.

That day - her eye lids were partially open and wouldn't close. Her eye hadn't been open since the day she was baptized and only you could see they were more cloudy looking from all the medicines, pain meds, BP meds, paralytics and on and on and on. She kept having tears coming down her little cheek and I asked the nurse if they were her own tears, (indication of pain) but she said No, I put drops in this morning. Somehow that still didn't seem to explain it because they had been doing that for 3 weeks and we never had to wipe away tears from her. The tears just kept coming about 1 or 2 every 30 minutes and I wiped them away. Her color was different and she looked more lifeless then alive. It is very hard to explain it.

The hospital had already spoken to us many times about a DNR form and that we needed to think about it and how much we wanted them to rescue her and to what degree. One Doctor was adamant about it and we were very angry. It was weighing heavily on my daughter and Gracie's dad - they took a long to think about it, so many tears were shed - how does a parent make that kind of choice? Why does any parent have to make that choice?

But that day I know she could see it to and knowing that her body was under even more stress and they were maximizing all the current drugs and still she was not able to maintain. Her infection was not going away, in fact it was starting to worsen again, she was getting air pockets in her chest and chest tubes couldn't always relieve them. Her lungs were mostly collapsed and she was on very high vent pressure. Her heart wall was very thick from trying to pump against her lung pressure and it couldn't rest and had enlarged more. What else was there to do but to make her passing as peaceful as possible.

She can't forget holding her daughter and seeing her turn blue and go - she wanted to put the tube back, but it was over. She feels like she gave up on her and I understand fully why and how she feels that - but it is not true!!

How do I, her mother, help with that? As a mother you always want to help your child, no matter how old and to see her like this - in so much pain and distraught and not feel like you can make any difference, has been unbearably painful at times. I know she has to get through this but I don't know how to stand by and help and when I attempt to help, I don't know that what I am doing is helpful.

I pray, but I also understand that prayers don't always get answered the way we want them to be.

Roller coaster continues

I am not sure how I feel today.

One of the people I work with today told me she went to church this past weekend, she normally does not go. She said they sang Amazing Grace, which was sung at Gracie's service. She said it is such a beautiful song and that all she could think of was beautiful Gracie and she cried all the way through it. She said I don't mean to upset you, but I just wanted to tell you this little baby had an impact on me. It amazed even her. I smiled and tears filled my eyes because it has been one of my fears or anxiety that her life would be forgotten and not mean anything - like she was never here. I am sure that impact will lessen for her over the years - but I am clear that she will remember her when ever she hears that song and she will think of our beautiful Gracie. It really made me smile and made my day.

Then I got a call that my sister who is 18 years older was taken to the hospital and having chest pains and now transferred to another hospital and having a heart catherization tomorrow. I quickly went in to my take of everyone else mood, her daughter, call my other sister who was very upset by it. I am very concerned and worried and yet somehow detached in a way I can't describe - almost like it can't get me. Actually I am afraid of losing her, I always have been afraid of losing my siblings - being the youngest of 7 siblings whose ages rage from 46 to 78, I have always been aware that I could lose all of them. I have already lost 1 brother 21 years ago to cancer. I know I can't make my sisters illness about me - she is the one who is not well, but I selfishly pray the she is OK for her and I also know that I can't take this right now - it is taking all I have to keep it together at times, I don't know how much I can give right now. That was embarrassing to even write - Boy am I a nice sister or what ?

Message to me

As I stated in previous message - I sometimes get mad because I don't feel like I can really say how I feel or how I am doing when people ask.

Well I went to Church on Sunday, I had to lector so I had been practicing my readings all week and the first reading is about being strong and following Jesus even if persecuted because of him and that God is always there through it all - he does not forsake us. The second reading speaks of how you can have faith but if you don't have works behind the faith then it is nothing - it is dead. Faith is demonstrated by works.

So as the sermon begins the Priest speaks of how everyone has crosses to bear and some are heavier then others and they change as we go through life; some crosses seem unbearable at times but he is always there even when we think he isn't. He goes on to talk about if we are Christians and we live and act like Christians then we need to look out for our neighbors and reach out to them when they have heavy crosses to bare.

I am obviously not stating every bit of it but as I sat there and listed I felt bad for getting angry at people for asking me how I am and how my daughter is doing - they were reaching out and reaching out the best they knew how to... I was the one who was rejecting it and no being very christian. It felt like my personal message so I will remember that whether I can tell people how am really doing or not - they are still reaching out to me and depending on the person, I need to let them too - something I am not very good at.

The week prior when I went to Church they were baptizing 3 babies... I just keep thinking that I have to learn to deal with this and something bigger then me keeps showing me that - whether I like it or not, it is just a part of our life.

Today I was sent a picture of a friend with his 4 grand kids and one of them was born about 10 days before Gracie. I looked at him (a beautiful little boy) and even though it is a boy and not a girl I couldn't help but think about her and think wow, she would be this big and be sitting up, rolling over and trying to crawl or crawling - it was like for a moment I could fill in the gaps from
when I last saw her - part of it made me smile and then of course I could feel the hole inside and the familiar ache.

Some days I seem to be able to see babies and think all things I just said and it is fine and other times it just throws me in to a tailspin. I have an extremely difficult time being around baby clothes and toys in stores, it is almost a slap in the face. I can see that my daughter reacts very similarly - she looks away and pretends it is not there and doesn't want to be in those parts of the store.

I remember last year after she was born, my step-daughter said next year for Christmas we will have 4, 3, 2 and 1 year old grand kids and we all talked about how much fun it would be and how crazy opening gifts would be and how many toys Papa would have to open and put together. (I go a little overboard for Christmas) I even said OK no more grand kids for awhile, since my daughters had been alternating years having children. I didn't mean I wanted less. Why is it you always think about stupid, silly conversations you had when things like this happen. I do notice it though when I am looking through catalogs for Christmas gifts, when I get to the infant section - I just stop and it just feels wrong that I can't just keep going, but I can't.

Another Day

Here she is in ICU @ U of M - Hard to believe she was so sick.

Today I passed a store and saw a little outfit that would have made me turn around and go in and get it for her. When things like that happen it does make me smile but then it always makes me sad too.

I am amazed that even when I think I am doing so good, that underneath it is all still there. In just an instant tears can be falling and I don't seem to have any control over it, many times it takes me by surprise because I really didn't think I was feeling that emotional.

I went to our church festival and looked around today and one of the women came up to me and asked how we were all doing and of course I said, "we're doing fine, hanging in there". Then they ask about how my daughter is doing and I say, " she is doing pretty good - still trying to learn to cope with all of it". I of course smile - I don't know what else to tell them. Do they really want to to know how it is, because it sucks and my heart aches at times. I can't tell them all that so I just pretend. Sometimes I get angry that I have to pretend - I have to pretend at work - pretend whenever I am in public someplace - pretend when I talk with people on the phone. Of course most of it is me - I don't want to a basket case for others and most are just being polite. I do understand it - it is what I have always done and will probably continue to do - of course you ask people how they are doing, because you want to know you care and are thinking of them. I just never realized that in certain situations - it can be hard on the people you are asking. It is a catch 22 situation any - if people don't ask - you get angry too.. Of course most people have quit asking now since it has been 3 months.

One of the Mom's who lost her son the end of June has been very busy doing many charity things. One of them is collecting blankets for CHD week in February - they want to collect 300 blankets. I purchased 3 today and made 12 - they did turn out cute. They are for patients of all ages - most are babies and toddlers. I am looking for a label I can sew in that would say something like "hugs from Gracie" but I can't seem to find them. I think I may type up a prayer and simply say hugs from Gracie and tie it to the blankets.

We got a special blanket and prayer shawl when were in the hospital and it was very nice. It has been had to make blankets specifically for little girls - I have made more generic right now. This picture has one of the blankets I made for Gracie... she loved bright colors and my daughter thinks she preferred purple - so the back of this blanket is purple.

I have prayed that I could dream of her at night - but I haven't and it makes me angry - like can't I just get to see her in my dreams once in awhile, is that so much to ask for? Don't know how I don't dream of her, she is obviously on my mind when I go to sleep - but now that I think about it - I haven't dreamed of much since she died. Don't know why that is, I usually remember my dreams and I always dreamt a lot. It may be that by the time I fall asleep - I am in too deep of a sleep?

A new day

Today was a better day. I am not sure why some days are so much darker then others. As I have stated before - it never goes away but sometimes I seem to be able to handle it better. I know when I am really tired, I am more emotional - but even when that is not a factor the days and my ability to handle the loss changes.

Sometimes I can look at her pictures and smile and remember all the good times and other times the same pictures just make me want to cry and the pain in my chest seems overwhelming. I don't seem to be able to control it - each day is just what it is.

One of the babies that came in the same day Gracie went to U of M is home with her family - she is 4 months old now and although still has many hurdles to over come - she is at least home for now and her family is together. We bonded since the girls were next to each other for so long and even when they weren't, we saw each other daily and would ask about each others babies.

When you are at places like that you get to the know the kids names and their illnesses and only after awhile do you get to know the parents names - you get referred to by the childs name - this is Gracie's Grammie or this is Taya's Mom or Dad.

So many children with heart issues and other very serious illnesses and all needed a miracle - some of them got them and some will continue to need them through the years. I saw a lot of loss and terrible sadness and I saw wonderful miracles too. At times asking for Gods help seemed so selfish because so many others wanted and needed the same thing. I then I would think of all the other hospitals with children and it would be overwhelming at times. Things you just don't think alot about until you are there and you see it and experience it.

Admittedly there were times we were jealous of those who got the miracles they needed. I know it sounds terrible and please never for one moment think that I would want that childs miracle taken from them or their families - I just kept wondering why we Gracie couldn't get one - with all the wonderous things the medical community can do - they just didn't have a lot of solutions for Gracie - so much is still unknown about infant pulmonary hypertension. This poor child couldn't catch a break anywhere - never felt so hopeless in my life and so out of control. My daughter had to make some extremenly hard decisions - between a rock and hard place type of decisions with no clear answers no matter what she decided. I believe she made the absolute best decisions she could to attempt to save or prolong her life - but
Gracie's little heart was very weary by this time and none of the medicines would work to help control the hypertension.

Hard to believe that when we went to the hospital she was teething, laughing, eating like a piggy and only "seemed" to need oxygen - she was given the title "princess of the PCICU" For the first 4 days nurses doted on her and she loved it. At least we got some good pics of her on Mothers day with my daughter - that was the last day of seeing her smile, laugh and being happy. After her MRI the next day - she never regained consciousness or was able to off a ventalitor. I know my daughter and I will think of her every Mother's Day.

It's been 3 Months....

The 3 month anniversary of Gracie's death was this past weekend - Labor day and we were very busy and my daughter and grandson were there also - I can't say for sure if she realized it as she doesn't pay much attention to the dates but it kept nagging at me.

Sometimes I get upset that her pictures will never be changed because there will be no more pictures of her. She will forever be 5 1/2 months old. I wonder what she would have looked like now as babies change so much as they grow. How long would her hair be? How many teeth would she have now - she was teething in May but we never got to see a tooth. I have pictures of her on my phone I can't erase them, even though they are of her when she was sick. I get upset that her life won't have meaning and she will be forgotten like she never existed, never mattered.

I have faith, but sometimes I sure question and wonder what the purpose of this is and will it outweigh all the pain? I remember telling my daughter that I am sure if we knew - it wouldn't be good enough for us because there could never a good enough reason for this.

People expect you to be "over this" by now - even though they don't exactly say it; they are shocked when something comes up and it brings a tear to your eye or you say something reminds you of her. Heaven forbid you want to talk about it - most people get very skittish and change the subject. I get they don't feel the same way - they didn't lose their grandchild. I never got it before either, not really. I didn't know that the feeling of loss is just there everyday - you don't have to think about it, you don't have to speak of it - it is just there always. Mainly you learn to do all things you need to do while carrying this hole inside you. You learn to go on, but you also learn that this hole will always be with you. I miss her today as much as I did the day it happened - it hasn't lessened it is always there.

I don't know why I wonder, but I do wonder if it is the same for other grandparents. How did they learn to live with it? How do they deal with being their for your child and hurting for their own loss? Sometimes I wonder if I am dealing with this as well as I should be?

Labor Day Weekend w/Family

Labor Day weekend: It was a good weekend with family at our cottage. My daughter and her son come up with us and she had a good weekend and I am glad. I know it was hard for her to see the crafters with all the little girl items and she tries to look away and pretend they are not there but I feel it too. I have another granddaughter and so I have reason to look at things but I try to say in her age range whenever possible - which let's face it - it is almost impossible as my other granddaughter is only 2 yrs. old.

I have ornaments on my tree with all my grand kids names on them and so I found a booth with ornaments and saw a bulb with a little pink angel and it stated In Memory of... I had them put her name on it and although it will be different from the rest of the ornaments, I just felt I needed to do this. Maybe because when I would talk to her at the hospital, I always stated I would love her forever and always, no matter what the out come and so I feel she deserves a place on the tree like all the other grand kids.

My daughter also has been in contact with a lawyer because there are a lot of things that she and I both feel the first hospital missed on at least 2 occasions - which I will speak more of in different post. Her case was referred to a lawyer and I could see my daughter was elated because she didn't think anyone would listen. I am very guarded about this as I am not a sue-happy person, however I agree that it should have been diagnosed earlier and I want to realize what they ignored may have made a difference in her ability to survive. But I worry that my daughter has her hopes up too much - she still has to talk with this other attorney etc. and we all konw it is a long road, at best. I know she says she doesn't care if she wins and it is not about money. She wants to make them see the effect of their poor medical treatment. I also know that she will have to endure alot and I am not sure she realizes all of it. I wish she could find an outlet to make her feel like she is making Gracie's life mean something. She is young and really trying, but I can see the anger, hurt, sadness etc. in her. She is really trying to be a great mom to her son, but I feel like she is a bubble filling up and trying not to burst - she let's out a little at a time but it is still full. Her son has become so attached to her, he doesn't want her out of his sight for long and seems to be concerned that she will be hurt or something. He is only 3 so it is hard to know what he does or doesn't understand. Sometimes he says his sister is in heaven and sometimes he says she is at the hospital - he really doesn't understand except he knows she isn't at home anymore and his Dad is not around now either. So I am sure he is afraid of losing mom too.

The first blog....

It has been 3 months since my grandaughter got her wings and the pain is still as raw as the day she left us. It is hard to know who to talk to as this subject is obviously one that people shy away from because they don't know what to say or do to make it better. My daughter is try to "tough" it out, thinking that if she doesn't think about that it will get better or not be painful. I am in conversation with her on a regular basis about counseling but she isn't ready yet.

Her way of dealing with this is different from me - it is not wrong, just different. I need to talk about it and she doesn't want to. Quite frankly I try to hide my pain from her and be strong for her. She knows I hurt too and I can see sometimes she is trying to be strong for me too.

I have tried searching for other blogs and it may be that because Iam super savy at searching the web, but I sure haven't found much on grieving grandparents. I did read a few things and one really did strike a chord with me. It said that grandparents greive double, not as more but double because you are grieving for the loss of your grandchild and you are grieving for you child and the pain they are going through and you can't help them or make it go away. As any mom knows, it is hard to watch your child, no matter what age, suffer and feel helpless to comfort them or make it better.

I have lost many people in my life, parents, brother, friends in high school, co-workers and yet it truly does compare to this loss - it is so much deeper, like there is literally a hole inside me that can't heal or close. I know it has only been 3 months and maybe I have been too hard on myself but I also know that this type of loss is different and is not going to heal the same way.

I have never blogged, (as I am sure you can tell by my rather simple page layout) but I thought this might me a way to express what I am feeling without making others feel uncomfortable. I also hope to help others who may have or are currently experiencing what I am. I believe I will start from the beginning of Gracie's life on my next post. It is important to me that her life matter and she is not forgotten.