FEAR

Something happened a week agon and this past week I seem to have turned a corner.  This week I have not wanted to sleep all day and getting back to doing things again.  I admit though that getting ready for Thanksgiving seems a little overwhelming, but I don't think it is much more then normal. 

I don't fool myself though - I know I still have sorrow and pain and if asked just right questions, tears can flow.  I went to dinner this past Friday with my sister-in-law and a couple of her friends.  I was the first one to arrive and the next was the person that I am very comfortable with and know pretty well.  We began talking about a lot of things, and when I told her that I too was not going up north with my sister-in-law and the other person, she was suprised and asked why.  So I told her that I have been struggling and I didn't want to go away for the entire weekend right before Thanksgiving.  She respectfully stated that she was sorry for my loss and asked how my daughter was doing and her son.  She then asked if minded telling her Gracie's story and part of me was relieved to be able to talk about it and part of me was worried about my emotions etc.  I told her about Gracie and how she died and we shed a few tears together.  My sister-in-law came in just as we were wiping away tears and I tried to tell her that we were talking about
Gracie and it just seemed like she was uncomfortable.  So the conversation switched totally a different way and nothing more was mentioned - it felt like sweeping under the rug and let's pretend we weren't talking about it.  This has been pretty typical of my experience with dealing with this.  

I have people say I don't talk about it enough - but what am I supposed to do?  I have felt much stronger this last week - but I also have fear.   I thought I was doing better before and then I hit a wall and realized how much I hadn't been dealing with Gracie's death.  Then I was in a dark, dark place and this past week I feel I have come out of it -but I fear it is still there, lying underneath and waiting to over take me again. 

I keep second guessing if I am OK or is this just some other phase or am I just pretending and not realizing it.  I don't want to go back in that dark state - it is so overwhelmingly sad, painful and everything is difficult and I couldn't see anything very clearly - like constantly driving down a foggy road.    So I fear it will come back and it scares me. 

This week I went shopping for the giving tree we have at work and I made myself take one of tags for a 3month little girl.  I bought pajamas for her and her little 4yr. old brother.  I have tried to stay away of the baby things in stores and of course I remembered buying Gracie clothes at this time last year.  But when I went shopping, although I thought of Gracie, it was like she was inside with me and I could smile and buy this other little baby a Christmas gift.  I even looked at some Christmas items and felt a little joy at thought of Christmas with my three grandkids.   Oh I know the next 6 weeks are not going to be easy and I am willing to face it - buy I don't want to enter the darkness again and feel powerless to do anything. 

Gracie was a gift and I have come to believe that God gave us extra time with her - we didn't know it at the time, and I have only come to appreciate the fact that we did get extra time.  The doctors don't know how she ever survived the very severe case of RSV she had when she was 6 weeks old - In ICU for a month then  - sedated, medically paralyzed, etc and she came through it and we got 3 more months with her - Thank you God!!  Please hold our Gracie in your loving arms and tell her we love her always.