There will be an empty spot today in our hearts and at the table, but we will always be thankful for you Gracie!! I know you will be with us today in spirit and know that we love you and miss you.
Your brother still talks about you and still doesn't have an understanding of where you went, he only knows the words we tell him. '
Fly with all the angels today Gracie - I am thankful you graced our lives!!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Made my day....
These days I really find myself being able to feel very close to Gracie, carrying her inside. I still cry but it is different, like bitter sweet tears - missing her and loving her and glad I had the chance to have her be a part of my life. I hope she never leaves this place inside me.
Had the pictures of all the grandkids taken with me and my daughters - we had fun doing it and we had Izabel hold a little bear to symbolize Gracie. Izabel then decided she wanted to hold the bear in almost all the pictures and that was ok too. The pictures turned out so darn cute.
I know when I hang them all on the wall that it will be very apparent as Gracie's picture will not match all the rest, and will never change as they will, through the years. She will forever remain our baby Gracie!! She is spending her first Thanksgiving in heaven - but I am thankful she was in our lives, even though it wasn't long enough. "bitter/sweet tears"
One of the families we met at the hospital is now back home and they are taking care of their daughter who recently had to be hospitalized again. I follow their blog regularly to keep up dated on their daughters progress. I don't often write comments to them, but decided to a couple of days ago. Today when I read the blog they had written this and it made my day!!
As many of you know we met a lot of very special people while we were in Ann Arbor. We thank God for blessing these people in our lives. One of the families we met lost their little Gracie in June. We think of their family often. Louann writes to Taya and it touches our hearts that she thinks and prays for us. When we got into Taya's room at the hospital we looked up at the ceiling tile and it had the name "Gracie". We instantly knew everything would be okay. We just know that little Gracie is looking down on Taya. We pray that Gracie's family feels the warmth of friends and family and are comforted by the special memories they have of Gracie
Had the pictures of all the grandkids taken with me and my daughters - we had fun doing it and we had Izabel hold a little bear to symbolize Gracie. Izabel then decided she wanted to hold the bear in almost all the pictures and that was ok too. The pictures turned out so darn cute.
I know when I hang them all on the wall that it will be very apparent as Gracie's picture will not match all the rest, and will never change as they will, through the years. She will forever remain our baby Gracie!! She is spending her first Thanksgiving in heaven - but I am thankful she was in our lives, even though it wasn't long enough. "bitter/sweet tears"
One of the families we met at the hospital is now back home and they are taking care of their daughter who recently had to be hospitalized again. I follow their blog regularly to keep up dated on their daughters progress. I don't often write comments to them, but decided to a couple of days ago. Today when I read the blog they had written this and it made my day!!
As many of you know we met a lot of very special people while we were in Ann Arbor. We thank God for blessing these people in our lives. One of the families we met lost their little Gracie in June. We think of their family often. Louann writes to Taya and it touches our hearts that she thinks and prays for us. When we got into Taya's room at the hospital we looked up at the ceiling tile and it had the name "Gracie". We instantly knew everything would be okay. We just know that little Gracie is looking down on Taya. We pray that Gracie's family feels the warmth of friends and family and are comforted by the special memories they have of Gracie
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Eleven Months today
Today, Gracie would have been 11 months old - I wonder how long her hair would be, how many teeth she would have, how much her looks would have changed as she began to turn from infant to a toddler? Would she still have pudgy cheeks or would she have lost those by now? Would she look like her mom? Would she giggle big belly laughs like her brother or have her own unique giggle that would make us laugh too? She may have even been walking by now - not wanting to let her big brother get anything over on her.
I am sure she would still have a giant smile that would light up our world!! Big blue eyes that would sparkle.
I am sure that she is happy and perfect where she is at today and will be our families guardian angel.
Dear Gracie - I love you - Always and forever!! You will live in my heart, you were a gift to us - you brought about many positive changes in our family and I am thankful you came in to our lives. Love, Grammie
I am sure she would still have a giant smile that would light up our world!! Big blue eyes that would sparkle.
I am sure that she is happy and perfect where she is at today and will be our families guardian angel.
Dear Gracie - I love you - Always and forever!! You will live in my heart, you were a gift to us - you brought about many positive changes in our family and I am thankful you came in to our lives. Love, Grammie
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Gracie's with me...
I am not sure I can describe what has recently changed. I have been extremely depressed and couldn't stop it no matter how much I tried.
Recently when at a training class we were talking about creating our future (work), but being so lost in myself and my life that I began to think about that. Future - what is that future without Gracie, how great can a future be when my heart has been torn apart and my chest feels like there is a hole it? So I sat there listening for awhile, really resisting that there could be any good, great or wonderful future. I remember thinking please God, you have to help me here and all of a sudden it came to me - I am the grandmother of 3 (should be 4 and was 4 and will always be 4), but I am the mother of 3 grandchildren on earth, who I love dearly and I know love me too. I know this sounds simple and the truth be told, I haven't stopped seeing or being with my grandchildren, but now there is some freedom to really feel their love and let my love for them come out. No child replaces another - so that is not what I am speaking of here.
At that time something in my heart and mind just switched like a light switch. And Gracie moved from somewhere out there -where I couldn't see or touch her and was afraid she would be forgotten and that I needed to hold on to all the pain or she would be lost. At that moment Gracies's spririt became part of me and I could really smile and feel this warmth inside and even joy - I could now feel her with me and I no longer feel like I don't have her. Of course I would rather have her here in body to hold and play with - I will always want that and would give anything to have it - but I now feel like I have a little piece of her with me. She is not totally lost to me. I can be a grammie to all 4 of them now!
All this sounds a little crazy I am sure and I wish I could articulate it better. I wish I understood it better. Maybe she is just helping me pick myself up so I can be the grammie that I love being to my grandkids on earth. Two days after this "switch" I was in the store and someone asked me how my grandkids I had and of course I wanted to say 4, but I said 3 and just as I was starting to feel bad about it, I got this very warm, peaceful feeling inside me, which resulted in this gentle smile on my face. I don't know where it came from, because I sure didn't feel like smiling, but I knew that it was Ok and she was Ok with it and that it didn't mean I had forgotten her, I have her in a special way now - (almost feels a little selfish).
Tomorrow she will be gone 5 1/2 months - the same amount of time she was here with us. Sometimes it feels like yesterday she was here and other times it feels like she has been gone forever. Just when I think I can't miss her more, I do and I still cry - (I'am told that is good for me), but I now know I have a little piece of her in me. I will love her always and forever in my heart.
I know I still have a long ways to go with my grieving - it is not over and never will be, it will change and it will show itself in many other forms - I am going to try to accept the grieving process and let happen whenever it does and try not to resist it. I have started to believe that if I keep resisting it, that I am also resisting feeling her too and I don't want that.
Recently when at a training class we were talking about creating our future (work), but being so lost in myself and my life that I began to think about that. Future - what is that future without Gracie, how great can a future be when my heart has been torn apart and my chest feels like there is a hole it? So I sat there listening for awhile, really resisting that there could be any good, great or wonderful future. I remember thinking please God, you have to help me here and all of a sudden it came to me - I am the grandmother of 3 (should be 4 and was 4 and will always be 4), but I am the mother of 3 grandchildren on earth, who I love dearly and I know love me too. I know this sounds simple and the truth be told, I haven't stopped seeing or being with my grandchildren, but now there is some freedom to really feel their love and let my love for them come out. No child replaces another - so that is not what I am speaking of here.
At that time something in my heart and mind just switched like a light switch. And Gracie moved from somewhere out there -where I couldn't see or touch her and was afraid she would be forgotten and that I needed to hold on to all the pain or she would be lost. At that moment Gracies's spririt became part of me and I could really smile and feel this warmth inside and even joy - I could now feel her with me and I no longer feel like I don't have her. Of course I would rather have her here in body to hold and play with - I will always want that and would give anything to have it - but I now feel like I have a little piece of her with me. She is not totally lost to me. I can be a grammie to all 4 of them now!
All this sounds a little crazy I am sure and I wish I could articulate it better. I wish I understood it better. Maybe she is just helping me pick myself up so I can be the grammie that I love being to my grandkids on earth. Two days after this "switch" I was in the store and someone asked me how my grandkids I had and of course I wanted to say 4, but I said 3 and just as I was starting to feel bad about it, I got this very warm, peaceful feeling inside me, which resulted in this gentle smile on my face. I don't know where it came from, because I sure didn't feel like smiling, but I knew that it was Ok and she was Ok with it and that it didn't mean I had forgotten her, I have her in a special way now - (almost feels a little selfish).
Tomorrow she will be gone 5 1/2 months - the same amount of time she was here with us. Sometimes it feels like yesterday she was here and other times it feels like she has been gone forever. Just when I think I can't miss her more, I do and I still cry - (I'am told that is good for me), but I now know I have a little piece of her in me. I will love her always and forever in my heart.
I know I still have a long ways to go with my grieving - it is not over and never will be, it will change and it will show itself in many other forms - I am going to try to accept the grieving process and let happen whenever it does and try not to resist it. I have started to believe that if I keep resisting it, that I am also resisting feeling her too and I don't want that.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
FEAR
Something happened a week agon and this past week I seem to have turned a corner. This week I have not wanted to sleep all day and getting back to doing things again. I admit though that getting ready for Thanksgiving seems a little overwhelming, but I don't think it is much more then normal.
I don't fool myself though - I know I still have sorrow and pain and if asked just right questions, tears can flow. I went to dinner this past Friday with my sister-in-law and a couple of her friends. I was the first one to arrive and the next was the person that I am very comfortable with and know pretty well. We began talking about a lot of things, and when I told her that I too was not going up north with my sister-in-law and the other person, she was suprised and asked why. So I told her that I have been struggling and I didn't want to go away for the entire weekend right before Thanksgiving. She respectfully stated that she was sorry for my loss and asked how my daughter was doing and her son. She then asked if minded telling her Gracie's story and part of me was relieved to be able to talk about it and part of me was worried about my emotions etc. I told her about Gracie and how she died and we shed a few tears together. My sister-in-law came in just as we were wiping away tears and I tried to tell her that we were talking about
Gracie and it just seemed like she was uncomfortable. So the conversation switched totally a different way and nothing more was mentioned - it felt like sweeping under the rug and let's pretend we weren't talking about it. This has been pretty typical of my experience with dealing with this.
I have people say I don't talk about it enough - but what am I supposed to do? I have felt much stronger this last week - but I also have fear. I thought I was doing better before and then I hit a wall and realized how much I hadn't been dealing with Gracie's death. Then I was in a dark, dark place and this past week I feel I have come out of it -but I fear it is still there, lying underneath and waiting to over take me again.
I keep second guessing if I am OK or is this just some other phase or am I just pretending and not realizing it. I don't want to go back in that dark state - it is so overwhelmingly sad, painful and everything is difficult and I couldn't see anything very clearly - like constantly driving down a foggy road. So I fear it will come back and it scares me.
This week I went shopping for the giving tree we have at work and I made myself take one of tags for a 3month little girl. I bought pajamas for her and her little 4yr. old brother. I have tried to stay away of the baby things in stores and of course I remembered buying Gracie clothes at this time last year. But when I went shopping, although I thought of Gracie, it was like she was inside with me and I could smile and buy this other little baby a Christmas gift. I even looked at some Christmas items and felt a little joy at thought of Christmas with my three grandkids. Oh I know the next 6 weeks are not going to be easy and I am willing to face it - buy I don't want to enter the darkness again and feel powerless to do anything.
Gracie was a gift and I have come to believe that God gave us extra time with her - we didn't know it at the time, and I have only come to appreciate the fact that we did get extra time. The doctors don't know how she ever survived the very severe case of RSV she had when she was 6 weeks old - In ICU for a month then - sedated, medically paralyzed, etc and she came through it and we got 3 more months with her - Thank you God!! Please hold our Gracie in your loving arms and tell her we love her always.
I don't fool myself though - I know I still have sorrow and pain and if asked just right questions, tears can flow. I went to dinner this past Friday with my sister-in-law and a couple of her friends. I was the first one to arrive and the next was the person that I am very comfortable with and know pretty well. We began talking about a lot of things, and when I told her that I too was not going up north with my sister-in-law and the other person, she was suprised and asked why. So I told her that I have been struggling and I didn't want to go away for the entire weekend right before Thanksgiving. She respectfully stated that she was sorry for my loss and asked how my daughter was doing and her son. She then asked if minded telling her Gracie's story and part of me was relieved to be able to talk about it and part of me was worried about my emotions etc. I told her about Gracie and how she died and we shed a few tears together. My sister-in-law came in just as we were wiping away tears and I tried to tell her that we were talking about
Gracie and it just seemed like she was uncomfortable. So the conversation switched totally a different way and nothing more was mentioned - it felt like sweeping under the rug and let's pretend we weren't talking about it. This has been pretty typical of my experience with dealing with this.
I have people say I don't talk about it enough - but what am I supposed to do? I have felt much stronger this last week - but I also have fear. I thought I was doing better before and then I hit a wall and realized how much I hadn't been dealing with Gracie's death. Then I was in a dark, dark place and this past week I feel I have come out of it -but I fear it is still there, lying underneath and waiting to over take me again.
I keep second guessing if I am OK or is this just some other phase or am I just pretending and not realizing it. I don't want to go back in that dark state - it is so overwhelmingly sad, painful and everything is difficult and I couldn't see anything very clearly - like constantly driving down a foggy road. So I fear it will come back and it scares me.
This week I went shopping for the giving tree we have at work and I made myself take one of tags for a 3month little girl. I bought pajamas for her and her little 4yr. old brother. I have tried to stay away of the baby things in stores and of course I remembered buying Gracie clothes at this time last year. But when I went shopping, although I thought of Gracie, it was like she was inside with me and I could smile and buy this other little baby a Christmas gift. I even looked at some Christmas items and felt a little joy at thought of Christmas with my three grandkids. Oh I know the next 6 weeks are not going to be easy and I am willing to face it - buy I don't want to enter the darkness again and feel powerless to do anything.
Gracie was a gift and I have come to believe that God gave us extra time with her - we didn't know it at the time, and I have only come to appreciate the fact that we did get extra time. The doctors don't know how she ever survived the very severe case of RSV she had when she was 6 weeks old - In ICU for a month then - sedated, medically paralyzed, etc and she came through it and we got 3 more months with her - Thank you God!! Please hold our Gracie in your loving arms and tell her we love her always.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Some joy
I have been making more blankets and enjoying it - it may sound silly but I feel very connected to Gracie while I am doing it - like encouragement. I wish I could articulate it better - but there is a joy and peace while I am doing it.
I will not fool myself in to thinking that I am through the hard part - did that before. I have felt stronger the last few days - but I know we are coming in to a difficult time with her birthday and Christmas so close together - we'll just take 1 day at a time for now. I know how quickly I can cry - how underneath there is still so much that is raw pain - but the last few days have been good and I am not feeling as weighed down as before. I didn't even need to sleep 12 hours a night over the weekend.
I keep hearing more and more little girls being called Gracie or Grace - I had no idea how popular the name was. I have really been hearing it a lot more lately - so I've decided that when I do - she is just letting me know she's still with me.
I will not fool myself in to thinking that I am through the hard part - did that before. I have felt stronger the last few days - but I know we are coming in to a difficult time with her birthday and Christmas so close together - we'll just take 1 day at a time for now. I know how quickly I can cry - how underneath there is still so much that is raw pain - but the last few days have been good and I am not feeling as weighed down as before. I didn't even need to sleep 12 hours a night over the weekend.
I keep hearing more and more little girls being called Gracie or Grace - I had no idea how popular the name was. I have really been hearing it a lot more lately - so I've decided that when I do - she is just letting me know she's still with me.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Gracie's work...
Well tonight I started making blankets again - just for the heck of it - I found the cutest little girl material. I guess finishing making those blankets this past weekend - brought back the joy I get in making baby blankets. Someone said it was Gracie working and maybe they are right - I have been avoiding it, couldn't even think of it - even most of the blankets I sent out are uni-sex or male oriented. I told myself it was because boys have issues then girls - but I just couldn't do it.
Today is the first girly blanket I have made since Gracie has been born - I made her a quick one when she went in to the hospital and she loved it - it had a lot of purple on it and she of course loved the bright colors and seemed to like purple the most.
Thank you Gracie - for in your honor I have remembered some joy!!
Today is the first girly blanket I have made since Gracie has been born - I made her a quick one when she went in to the hospital and she loved it - it had a lot of purple on it and she of course loved the bright colors and seemed to like purple the most.
Thank you Gracie - for in your honor I have remembered some joy!!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
In honor of Gracie
One of the mom's from UofM - she is a heart mom because she also had a child with a congenital heart defect. She has been working tirelessly to bring awareness to CHD and to also honor her son who got his wings 20 days after Gracie. She is having a heart ball in honor of her son and working with another heart mom to collect blankets to distribute during CHD week in February.
In honor of Gracie I made 17 blankets and bought a few more to donate. Today I completed them and will be sending them to her on Monday. It seems so little,, in the big scheme of things, but it made me feel good to do something that I pray it will bring comfort to a child/parent at the hospital. I know we really appreciated them while we were there and it meant alot.
I have felt more peaceful the past few days - not exactly sure why. Maybe it was being away from the office the last 3 days - even though I was at an off site meetings & training and put in 35 hours in 3 days - I was able to speak about how it has been for me at work, which was really hard. My boss believes in getting things out - being clear is what we call it and so she encouraged me to share what it has been like and it was very, very difficult, but I did it and the team was supportive. So maybe that is what I need to do more - but it is so hard to do that at work and even in appropriate at times - I don't have a lot of time to keep falling a part at work,
I often think of all the sickness happening right now, it would have been a difficult and scary time to have a child that should not get sick. I guess it wouldn't be more scary then what we had already been through - but difficult anyway. I think of all those children out there and their parents who are hoping they won't catch anything - so I pray for all the heart families that they will make it through this flu season without set backs.
Ironically I just the call from my other daughter - My oldest grandson has just been diagnosed with the swine flu -
In honor of Gracie I made 17 blankets and bought a few more to donate. Today I completed them and will be sending them to her on Monday. It seems so little,, in the big scheme of things, but it made me feel good to do something that I pray it will bring comfort to a child/parent at the hospital. I know we really appreciated them while we were there and it meant alot.
I have felt more peaceful the past few days - not exactly sure why. Maybe it was being away from the office the last 3 days - even though I was at an off site meetings & training and put in 35 hours in 3 days - I was able to speak about how it has been for me at work, which was really hard. My boss believes in getting things out - being clear is what we call it and so she encouraged me to share what it has been like and it was very, very difficult, but I did it and the team was supportive. So maybe that is what I need to do more - but it is so hard to do that at work and even in appropriate at times - I don't have a lot of time to keep falling a part at work,
I often think of all the sickness happening right now, it would have been a difficult and scary time to have a child that should not get sick. I guess it wouldn't be more scary then what we had already been through - but difficult anyway. I think of all those children out there and their parents who are hoping they won't catch anything - so I pray for all the heart families that they will make it through this flu season without set backs.
Ironically I just the call from my other daughter - My oldest grandson has just been diagnosed with the swine flu -
Friday, November 6, 2009
5 Months
Tomorrow will be 5 months since Gracie got her wings. Ironincally I am taking my other other 3 grandchildren for pictures on this day. I have been dreading the time that she will be gone longer then she was here. I am not sure why that matters so much to me, obviously she wasn't here all that long so the day is approaching quickly.
I no longer relive her last days every Sunday evening, but I do remember the 7th. of every month as an anniversary date for her death. Last year at this time we were finally getting ready for her birth. Gracie's early beginnings before her birth were filled with alot of questions and anxiety. My daughter was not in a good place to have another child and she thought about giving her up for adoption for a long time. I know if she would tell the truth; it was after she felt her move she knew she couldn't give her up, but waited a long time to finally tell us.
In the beginning I anguished over whether or not I could allow my grandchild to be given up. I love my grandkids, I already had 3 and couldn't imagine giving any of them away. We even seriously considered adopting her ourselves, that was before we even knew she was a girl. I realized that I had to let my daughter make her decision and I had to support that decision, no matter what she decided. I also came to realize that although I didn't want my grandchild given up, that our adopting her would only add to my daughter's issues. You see; she and I went through a very troubling teenage time and she made decisions that I did not want her to make, but she did. She and I were now beginning to have a relationship again and I was enjoying my grandson, her first born. She wanted to make something better for her life and for her son and I wanted to see her succeed.. I knew that our adopting the baby would not work in the end for my daughter for so many reasons.
So I stood by my daughter's decision to give the baby up, even though my other daughter was extremely upset with me. My other daughter thought I didn't care and I was not being a very good mother or grandmother - Oh ,but she didn't know what it was doing to me. I couldn't show either one of them, because I couldn't be the reason for the decision my daughter had to make. I went to the doctor appts and heard the heart beat for the first time with my daughter and I was there for the ultrasound and then the 3D ultra-sound. I was there when they told us it was a girl and by that time I suspected she wouldn't give her up. I waited, so torn, not wanting to give her and knowing that it would be a difficult situation for my daughter to keep her too. Finally she admitted she was going to keep her and inside I was scared but soo excited. I already knew that from the 3D picture she looked like my daughter - these pictures are so amazing now compared to what they were when my kids were born. She was sucking her thumb inutero - just like her mom.
My daughter was trying to put her life together and really wanted to make a life for her daughter and son. So I made some blankets and bought some clothes to help her get ready for her arrival. Then there was the picking out of her name. My daughter liked "old fashion" names and then told me she wanted the baby to have part of my name too. I was shocked and honored - amazed because this is something that she would have never even thought of before. It meant we had come a long way for her to want my name for her daughter. Finally I suggested Gracie - I just threw it out and she liked it. Then she decided to call her Gracie Lou and asked me to be there for her birth with her. Again I was really honored to be asked. (I wasn't even informed of her sons birth until after he was born) I really began to see my daughter want to manage her life in a different way. I prayed and hoped it would all turn out well and hoped this would be the catalyst to do it. I prayed that she made the right decision and that although the path would not be easy, I really thought it was the right choice. Little did we know what would lay ahead.......
I no longer relive her last days every Sunday evening, but I do remember the 7th. of every month as an anniversary date for her death. Last year at this time we were finally getting ready for her birth. Gracie's early beginnings before her birth were filled with alot of questions and anxiety. My daughter was not in a good place to have another child and she thought about giving her up for adoption for a long time. I know if she would tell the truth; it was after she felt her move she knew she couldn't give her up, but waited a long time to finally tell us.
In the beginning I anguished over whether or not I could allow my grandchild to be given up. I love my grandkids, I already had 3 and couldn't imagine giving any of them away. We even seriously considered adopting her ourselves, that was before we even knew she was a girl. I realized that I had to let my daughter make her decision and I had to support that decision, no matter what she decided. I also came to realize that although I didn't want my grandchild given up, that our adopting her would only add to my daughter's issues. You see; she and I went through a very troubling teenage time and she made decisions that I did not want her to make, but she did. She and I were now beginning to have a relationship again and I was enjoying my grandson, her first born. She wanted to make something better for her life and for her son and I wanted to see her succeed.. I knew that our adopting the baby would not work in the end for my daughter for so many reasons.
So I stood by my daughter's decision to give the baby up, even though my other daughter was extremely upset with me. My other daughter thought I didn't care and I was not being a very good mother or grandmother - Oh ,but she didn't know what it was doing to me. I couldn't show either one of them, because I couldn't be the reason for the decision my daughter had to make. I went to the doctor appts and heard the heart beat for the first time with my daughter and I was there for the ultrasound and then the 3D ultra-sound. I was there when they told us it was a girl and by that time I suspected she wouldn't give her up. I waited, so torn, not wanting to give her and knowing that it would be a difficult situation for my daughter to keep her too. Finally she admitted she was going to keep her and inside I was scared but soo excited. I already knew that from the 3D picture she looked like my daughter - these pictures are so amazing now compared to what they were when my kids were born. She was sucking her thumb inutero - just like her mom.
My daughter was trying to put her life together and really wanted to make a life for her daughter and son. So I made some blankets and bought some clothes to help her get ready for her arrival. Then there was the picking out of her name. My daughter liked "old fashion" names and then told me she wanted the baby to have part of my name too. I was shocked and honored - amazed because this is something that she would have never even thought of before. It meant we had come a long way for her to want my name for her daughter. Finally I suggested Gracie - I just threw it out and she liked it. Then she decided to call her Gracie Lou and asked me to be there for her birth with her. Again I was really honored to be asked. (I wasn't even informed of her sons birth until after he was born) I really began to see my daughter want to manage her life in a different way. I prayed and hoped it would all turn out well and hoped this would be the catalyst to do it. I prayed that she made the right decision and that although the path would not be easy, I really thought it was the right choice. Little did we know what would lay ahead.......
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Mass of Remembrance....
Yesterday I attended mass for all souls day. Our church invites anyone who has lost a loved one at any time, but especially those who have lost people in past year. I wanted to go in honor of Gracie.
Well I am not sure if it was good or bad - I was very emotional right from the start, couldn't stop the tears. At one point I wanted to leave, actually run, because I wanted to sob openly and I sure didn't want to do it there. But it was at a time that everyone was sitting and I didn't want to draw attention to myself. As I sat there, my abdomen cramped so hard, I didn't know if was going to be sick or pass out - I am not sure I could have stood and walked out. All I could do was keep breathing deeply. It kept happening in waves - it was so intense it was scary. Then when it was time to place a candle in her honor, I of course was a basket case. I was embarrassed.
I don't know why these moments come over me when I am not in a place where I can just let it out. It happens at work, church, when I am frustrated, pissed. I know the the pain in by abdomen is caused by trying to keep it all inside - I know I am supposed to feel it and let it happen, but that isn't always possible. Even today, I feel like I did 1000 crunches (I should be lucky to be able to do that) - I hurt.
I am going to be at planning meetings for work the next 3 days - 12 hrs. a day and I don't give a dang about work right now. I know that much of my angst with some of my co-workers stems from this whole thing - but I seem to be unable to control it or handle it. My boss asked what I needed, she has been a godsend in this, she asked if I feel God with me and the answer I said was NO. I mean I have asked for help, but I don't feel it - I don't know if I can right now.
I am mad that I have fallen in to this bottomless pit of dispair - and I know it logically but I can't stop it. I don't understand it - I know she's gone and she is not coming back - I have never reacted like this. Some people have said that there is more wrapped up in this, but I don't understand why, I thought I was OK with all that has happened - it is just life, everyone goes through struggles, I haven't gone through anymore then most people.
I wanted to write last night after mass, thought it might help but I was too upset and exhausted. I came home and ate a little and went to bed. Even after 8 hours of sleep, I think I could have slept till noon.
I just read the blog of the one of the mom's whose son got his wings a couple of weeks after Gracie and she has had her share of struggles. She has been really working hard at raising money for CHD, UofM hospital and raising awareness for all types of congenital heart defects - she has done alot. I am not sure that even if I had the time, that I could do what she has done. In her latest blog she wrote about a very serious illness she just had and was hospitalized and put on ventilator - she saw her son and was able to speak with him and God and she has found her faith again and some peace. Some people will not believe that story or will have all kinds of reasons for it - but I was happy for her and even a little jealous - not of her illness, but the gift she was given. '
This blog has been a little bit of everything and I am resisting the urge to delete it, but I will be brave and just put it out there. It is just where I am at for now - I promised to write as if no one is reading.
Well I am not sure if it was good or bad - I was very emotional right from the start, couldn't stop the tears. At one point I wanted to leave, actually run, because I wanted to sob openly and I sure didn't want to do it there. But it was at a time that everyone was sitting and I didn't want to draw attention to myself. As I sat there, my abdomen cramped so hard, I didn't know if was going to be sick or pass out - I am not sure I could have stood and walked out. All I could do was keep breathing deeply. It kept happening in waves - it was so intense it was scary. Then when it was time to place a candle in her honor, I of course was a basket case. I was embarrassed.
I don't know why these moments come over me when I am not in a place where I can just let it out. It happens at work, church, when I am frustrated, pissed. I know the the pain in by abdomen is caused by trying to keep it all inside - I know I am supposed to feel it and let it happen, but that isn't always possible. Even today, I feel like I did 1000 crunches (I should be lucky to be able to do that) - I hurt.
I am going to be at planning meetings for work the next 3 days - 12 hrs. a day and I don't give a dang about work right now. I know that much of my angst with some of my co-workers stems from this whole thing - but I seem to be unable to control it or handle it. My boss asked what I needed, she has been a godsend in this, she asked if I feel God with me and the answer I said was NO. I mean I have asked for help, but I don't feel it - I don't know if I can right now.
I am mad that I have fallen in to this bottomless pit of dispair - and I know it logically but I can't stop it. I don't understand it - I know she's gone and she is not coming back - I have never reacted like this. Some people have said that there is more wrapped up in this, but I don't understand why, I thought I was OK with all that has happened - it is just life, everyone goes through struggles, I haven't gone through anymore then most people.
I wanted to write last night after mass, thought it might help but I was too upset and exhausted. I came home and ate a little and went to bed. Even after 8 hours of sleep, I think I could have slept till noon.
I just read the blog of the one of the mom's whose son got his wings a couple of weeks after Gracie and she has had her share of struggles. She has been really working hard at raising money for CHD, UofM hospital and raising awareness for all types of congenital heart defects - she has done alot. I am not sure that even if I had the time, that I could do what she has done. In her latest blog she wrote about a very serious illness she just had and was hospitalized and put on ventilator - she saw her son and was able to speak with him and God and she has found her faith again and some peace. Some people will not believe that story or will have all kinds of reasons for it - but I was happy for her and even a little jealous - not of her illness, but the gift she was given. '
This blog has been a little bit of everything and I am resisting the urge to delete it, but I will be brave and just put it out there. It is just where I am at for now - I promised to write as if no one is reading.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)