Tomorrow will be 5 months since Gracie got her wings. Ironincally I am taking my other other 3 grandchildren for pictures on this day. I have been dreading the time that she will be gone longer then she was here. I am not sure why that matters so much to me, obviously she wasn't here all that long so the day is approaching quickly.
I no longer relive her last days every Sunday evening, but I do remember the 7th. of every month as an anniversary date for her death. Last year at this time we were finally getting ready for her birth. Gracie's early beginnings before her birth were filled with alot of questions and anxiety. My daughter was not in a good place to have another child and she thought about giving her up for adoption for a long time. I know if she would tell the truth; it was after she felt her move she knew she couldn't give her up, but waited a long time to finally tell us.
In the beginning I anguished over whether or not I could allow my grandchild to be given up. I love my grandkids, I already had 3 and couldn't imagine giving any of them away. We even seriously considered adopting her ourselves, that was before we even knew she was a girl. I realized that I had to let my daughter make her decision and I had to support that decision, no matter what she decided. I also came to realize that although I didn't want my grandchild given up, that our adopting her would only add to my daughter's issues. You see; she and I went through a very troubling teenage time and she made decisions that I did not want her to make, but she did. She and I were now beginning to have a relationship again and I was enjoying my grandson, her first born. She wanted to make something better for her life and for her son and I wanted to see her succeed.. I knew that our adopting the baby would not work in the end for my daughter for so many reasons.
So I stood by my daughter's decision to give the baby up, even though my other daughter was extremely upset with me. My other daughter thought I didn't care and I was not being a very good mother or grandmother - Oh ,but she didn't know what it was doing to me. I couldn't show either one of them, because I couldn't be the reason for the decision my daughter had to make. I went to the doctor appts and heard the heart beat for the first time with my daughter and I was there for the ultrasound and then the 3D ultra-sound. I was there when they told us it was a girl and by that time I suspected she wouldn't give her up. I waited, so torn, not wanting to give her and knowing that it would be a difficult situation for my daughter to keep her too. Finally she admitted she was going to keep her and inside I was scared but soo excited. I already knew that from the 3D picture she looked like my daughter - these pictures are so amazing now compared to what they were when my kids were born. She was sucking her thumb inutero - just like her mom.
My daughter was trying to put her life together and really wanted to make a life for her daughter and son. So I made some blankets and bought some clothes to help her get ready for her arrival. Then there was the picking out of her name. My daughter liked "old fashion" names and then told me she wanted the baby to have part of my name too. I was shocked and honored - amazed because this is something that she would have never even thought of before. It meant we had come a long way for her to want my name for her daughter. Finally I suggested Gracie - I just threw it out and she liked it. Then she decided to call her Gracie Lou and asked me to be there for her birth with her. Again I was really honored to be asked. (I wasn't even informed of her sons birth until after he was born) I really began to see my daughter want to manage her life in a different way. I prayed and hoped it would all turn out well and hoped this would be the catalyst to do it. I prayed that she made the right decision and that although the path would not be easy, I really thought it was the right choice. Little did we know what would lay ahead.......
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