Recently when at a training class we were talking about creating our future (work), but being so lost in myself and my life that I began to think about that. Future - what is that future without Gracie, how great can a future be when my heart has been torn apart and my chest feels like there is a hole it? So I sat there listening for awhile, really resisting that there could be any good, great or wonderful future. I remember thinking please God, you have to help me here and all of a sudden it came to me - I am the grandmother of 3 (should be 4 and was 4 and will always be 4), but I am the mother of 3 grandchildren on earth, who I love dearly and I know love me too. I know this sounds simple and the truth be told, I haven't stopped seeing or being with my grandchildren, but now there is some freedom to really feel their love and let my love for them come out. No child replaces another - so that is not what I am speaking of here.
At that time something in my heart and mind just switched like a light switch. And Gracie moved from somewhere out there -where I couldn't see or touch her and was afraid she would be forgotten and that I needed to hold on to all the pain or she would be lost. At that moment Gracies's spririt became part of me and I could really smile and feel this warmth inside and even joy - I could now feel her with me and I no longer feel like I don't have her. Of course I would rather have her here in body to hold and play with - I will always want that and would give anything to have it - but I now feel like I have a little piece of her with me. She is not totally lost to me. I can be a grammie to all 4 of them now!
All this sounds a little crazy I am sure and I wish I could articulate it better. I wish I understood it better. Maybe she is just helping me pick myself up so I can be the grammie that I love being to my grandkids on earth. Two days after this "switch" I was in the store and someone asked me how my grandkids I had and of course I wanted to say 4, but I said 3 and just as I was starting to feel bad about it, I got this very warm, peaceful feeling inside me, which resulted in this gentle smile on my face. I don't know where it came from, because I sure didn't feel like smiling, but I knew that it was Ok and she was Ok with it and that it didn't mean I had forgotten her, I have her in a special way now - (almost feels a little selfish).
Tomorrow she will be gone 5 1/2 months - the same amount of time she was here with us. Sometimes it feels like yesterday she was here and other times it feels like she has been gone forever. Just when I think I can't miss her more, I do and I still cry - (I'am told that is good for me), but I now know I have a little piece of her in me. I will love her always and forever in my heart.
I know I still have a long ways to go with my grieving - it is not over and never will be, it will change and it will show itself in many other forms - I am going to try to accept the grieving process and let happen whenever it does and try not to resist it. I have started to believe that if I keep resisting it, that I am also resisting feeling her too and I don't want that.
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