I am not sure how I feel today.
One of the people I work with today told me she went to church this past weekend, she normally does not go. She said they sang Amazing Grace, which was sung at Gracie's service. She said it is such a beautiful song and that all she could think of was beautiful Gracie and she cried all the way through it. She said I don't mean to upset you, but I just wanted to tell you this little baby had an impact on me. It amazed even her. I smiled and tears filled my eyes because it has been one of my fears or anxiety that her life would be forgotten and not mean anything - like she was never here. I am sure that impact will lessen for her over the years - but I am clear that she will remember her when ever she hears that song and she will think of our beautiful Gracie. It really made me smile and made my day.
Then I got a call that my sister who is 18 years older was taken to the hospital and having chest pains and now transferred to another hospital and having a heart catherization tomorrow. I quickly went in to my take of everyone else mood, her daughter, call my other sister who was very upset by it. I am very concerned and worried and yet somehow detached in a way I can't describe - almost like it can't get me. Actually I am afraid of losing her, I always have been afraid of losing my siblings - being the youngest of 7 siblings whose ages rage from 46 to 78, I have always been aware that I could lose all of them. I have already lost 1 brother 21 years ago to cancer. I know I can't make my sisters illness about me - she is the one who is not well, but I selfishly pray the she is OK for her and I also know that I can't take this right now - it is taking all I have to keep it together at times, I don't know how much I can give right now. That was embarrassing to even write - Boy am I a nice sister or what ?
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