Today my daughter called in tears because her son had dumped bleach on his clothes and well we all know what bleach does to colored clothes. She has been really trying to get her life together - going back to school, being a single parent to her son and dealing with losing her daughter too. She is working on keeping things going and trying to do more positive things.
Today put her over the edge and as we all know, it wasn't the incident that put her over the edge, it everything that she is keeping inside. She isn't sleeping well, she doesn't eat much or all that healthy and she is having headaches. Feels like there no way out. Some might say she is wallowing in self-pity, but that is not it. She is trying to handle it all on her own.
She has always dealt with things by getting angry and striking back or just burying it inside and pretending, at least to herself, that it didn't matter. Although none of it has been a great way to deal with things, it is how she has done it and doesn't know any other way. I have tried repeatedly to talk to her about a counseling and she doesn't want to talk about it, because she thinks she is past it and doesn't want to bring it up again - she just can't see that she will not be able to deal with like she always has.
Today I heard some of her anguish and the guilt that she still carries inside and I couldn't do anything to help her. I listen and talk and hold her but nothing helps. I wish she would go to counseling and I know some part of her thinks of it - but she also knows that it won't bring Gracie back, there is nothing that will stop the pain. And - she is right - it will still hurt and Gracie will still be gone. My heart just breaks to see her like this and at times I am afraid of what she will become some day if she doesn't learn to work through this.
She feels that because she signed the papers to stop the support, and she held her daughter and watched her turn blue before she took her last breath that she gave up on her and caused her death. She did sign the papers, but we were told she wouldn't recover - some doctors said, "don't lose hope", but they also said that it would take more then a miracle. Gracie's little heart was failing and they had been rescuing for weeks, but her little body was giving out and I knew that day when I walked in to see her that she looked different and I said so the nurse.
The nurse said, she is letting go now and her body is under so much stress, her blood sugars were now in the high 200's and they were giving her insulin to try to regulate it. This of course was in addition to the other 19 IV's she had going.
That day - her eye lids were partially open and wouldn't close. Her eye hadn't been open since the day she was baptized and only you could see they were more cloudy looking from all the medicines, pain meds, BP meds, paralytics and on and on and on. She kept having tears coming down her little cheek and I asked the nurse if they were her own tears, (indication of pain) but she said No, I put drops in this morning. Somehow that still didn't seem to explain it because they had been doing that for 3 weeks and we never had to wipe away tears from her. The tears just kept coming about 1 or 2 every 30 minutes and I wiped them away. Her color was different and she looked more lifeless then alive. It is very hard to explain it.
The hospital had already spoken to us many times about a DNR form and that we needed to think about it and how much we wanted them to rescue her and to what degree. One Doctor was adamant about it and we were very angry. It was weighing heavily on my daughter and Gracie's dad - they took a long to think about it, so many tears were shed - how does a parent make that kind of choice? Why does any parent have to make that choice?
But that day I know she could see it to and knowing that her body was under even more stress and they were maximizing all the current drugs and still she was not able to maintain. Her infection was not going away, in fact it was starting to worsen again, she was getting air pockets in her chest and chest tubes couldn't always relieve them. Her lungs were mostly collapsed and she was on very high vent pressure. Her heart wall was very thick from trying to pump against her lung pressure and it couldn't rest and had enlarged more. What else was there to do but to make her passing as peaceful as possible.
She can't forget holding her daughter and seeing her turn blue and go - she wanted to put the tube back, but it was over. She feels like she gave up on her and I understand fully why and how she feels that - but it is not true!!
How do I, her mother, help with that? As a mother you always want to help your child, no matter how old and to see her like this - in so much pain and distraught and not feel like you can make any difference, has been unbearably painful at times. I know she has to get through this but I don't know how to stand by and help and when I attempt to help, I don't know that what I am doing is helpful.
I pray, but I also understand that prayers don't always get answered the way we want them to be.
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