Message to me

As I stated in previous message - I sometimes get mad because I don't feel like I can really say how I feel or how I am doing when people ask.

Well I went to Church on Sunday, I had to lector so I had been practicing my readings all week and the first reading is about being strong and following Jesus even if persecuted because of him and that God is always there through it all - he does not forsake us. The second reading speaks of how you can have faith but if you don't have works behind the faith then it is nothing - it is dead. Faith is demonstrated by works.

So as the sermon begins the Priest speaks of how everyone has crosses to bear and some are heavier then others and they change as we go through life; some crosses seem unbearable at times but he is always there even when we think he isn't. He goes on to talk about if we are Christians and we live and act like Christians then we need to look out for our neighbors and reach out to them when they have heavy crosses to bare.

I am obviously not stating every bit of it but as I sat there and listed I felt bad for getting angry at people for asking me how I am and how my daughter is doing - they were reaching out and reaching out the best they knew how to... I was the one who was rejecting it and no being very christian. It felt like my personal message so I will remember that whether I can tell people how am really doing or not - they are still reaching out to me and depending on the person, I need to let them too - something I am not very good at.

The week prior when I went to Church they were baptizing 3 babies... I just keep thinking that I have to learn to deal with this and something bigger then me keeps showing me that - whether I like it or not, it is just a part of our life.

Today I was sent a picture of a friend with his 4 grand kids and one of them was born about 10 days before Gracie. I looked at him (a beautiful little boy) and even though it is a boy and not a girl I couldn't help but think about her and think wow, she would be this big and be sitting up, rolling over and trying to crawl or crawling - it was like for a moment I could fill in the gaps from
when I last saw her - part of it made me smile and then of course I could feel the hole inside and the familiar ache.

Some days I seem to be able to see babies and think all things I just said and it is fine and other times it just throws me in to a tailspin. I have an extremely difficult time being around baby clothes and toys in stores, it is almost a slap in the face. I can see that my daughter reacts very similarly - she looks away and pretends it is not there and doesn't want to be in those parts of the store.

I remember last year after she was born, my step-daughter said next year for Christmas we will have 4, 3, 2 and 1 year old grand kids and we all talked about how much fun it would be and how crazy opening gifts would be and how many toys Papa would have to open and put together. (I go a little overboard for Christmas) I even said OK no more grand kids for awhile, since my daughters had been alternating years having children. I didn't mean I wanted less. Why is it you always think about stupid, silly conversations you had when things like this happen. I do notice it though when I am looking through catalogs for Christmas gifts, when I get to the infant section - I just stop and it just feels wrong that I can't just keep going, but I can't.