It's been 3 Months....

The 3 month anniversary of Gracie's death was this past weekend - Labor day and we were very busy and my daughter and grandson were there also - I can't say for sure if she realized it as she doesn't pay much attention to the dates but it kept nagging at me.

Sometimes I get upset that her pictures will never be changed because there will be no more pictures of her. She will forever be 5 1/2 months old. I wonder what she would have looked like now as babies change so much as they grow. How long would her hair be? How many teeth would she have now - she was teething in May but we never got to see a tooth. I have pictures of her on my phone I can't erase them, even though they are of her when she was sick. I get upset that her life won't have meaning and she will be forgotten like she never existed, never mattered.

I have faith, but sometimes I sure question and wonder what the purpose of this is and will it outweigh all the pain? I remember telling my daughter that I am sure if we knew - it wouldn't be good enough for us because there could never a good enough reason for this.

People expect you to be "over this" by now - even though they don't exactly say it; they are shocked when something comes up and it brings a tear to your eye or you say something reminds you of her. Heaven forbid you want to talk about it - most people get very skittish and change the subject. I get they don't feel the same way - they didn't lose their grandchild. I never got it before either, not really. I didn't know that the feeling of loss is just there everyday - you don't have to think about it, you don't have to speak of it - it is just there always. Mainly you learn to do all things you need to do while carrying this hole inside you. You learn to go on, but you also learn that this hole will always be with you. I miss her today as much as I did the day it happened - it hasn't lessened it is always there.

I don't know why I wonder, but I do wonder if it is the same for other grandparents. How did they learn to live with it? How do they deal with being their for your child and hurting for their own loss? Sometimes I wonder if I am dealing with this as well as I should be?