Another Day

Here she is in ICU @ U of M - Hard to believe she was so sick.

Today I passed a store and saw a little outfit that would have made me turn around and go in and get it for her. When things like that happen it does make me smile but then it always makes me sad too.

I am amazed that even when I think I am doing so good, that underneath it is all still there. In just an instant tears can be falling and I don't seem to have any control over it, many times it takes me by surprise because I really didn't think I was feeling that emotional.

I went to our church festival and looked around today and one of the women came up to me and asked how we were all doing and of course I said, "we're doing fine, hanging in there". Then they ask about how my daughter is doing and I say, " she is doing pretty good - still trying to learn to cope with all of it". I of course smile - I don't know what else to tell them. Do they really want to to know how it is, because it sucks and my heart aches at times. I can't tell them all that so I just pretend. Sometimes I get angry that I have to pretend - I have to pretend at work - pretend whenever I am in public someplace - pretend when I talk with people on the phone. Of course most of it is me - I don't want to a basket case for others and most are just being polite. I do understand it - it is what I have always done and will probably continue to do - of course you ask people how they are doing, because you want to know you care and are thinking of them. I just never realized that in certain situations - it can be hard on the people you are asking. It is a catch 22 situation any - if people don't ask - you get angry too.. Of course most people have quit asking now since it has been 3 months.

One of the Mom's who lost her son the end of June has been very busy doing many charity things. One of them is collecting blankets for CHD week in February - they want to collect 300 blankets. I purchased 3 today and made 12 - they did turn out cute. They are for patients of all ages - most are babies and toddlers. I am looking for a label I can sew in that would say something like "hugs from Gracie" but I can't seem to find them. I think I may type up a prayer and simply say hugs from Gracie and tie it to the blankets.

We got a special blanket and prayer shawl when were in the hospital and it was very nice. It has been had to make blankets specifically for little girls - I have made more generic right now. This picture has one of the blankets I made for Gracie... she loved bright colors and my daughter thinks she preferred purple - so the back of this blanket is purple.

I have prayed that I could dream of her at night - but I haven't and it makes me angry - like can't I just get to see her in my dreams once in awhile, is that so much to ask for? Don't know how I don't dream of her, she is obviously on my mind when I go to sleep - but now that I think about it - I haven't dreamed of much since she died. Don't know why that is, I usually remember my dreams and I always dreamt a lot. It may be that by the time I fall asleep - I am in too deep of a sleep?