It has been a long time since I have entered a post - not that I still don't think of her every day, because I sure do.
Gracie would have been 13 months old today - her brother's birthday is tomorrow and he will be 4 years old. Recently he got up from his nap and didn't know that there was a neighbor's baby sleeping at his house in another room. When the baby woke up and started to cry - Wayne said, "we got another Gracie" - I sure wish I could know and understand what goes through his little mind. What does he think happened to her? We've told him the truth but what is death to a 3 year old? He still thinks of her at the hospital and that he doesn't see her anymore. I am amazed at how often he brings up Gracie's name or relates things to her and mentions her.
Sometimes I think it is really sad he is too young to understand and then sometimes I think ignorance is bliss - but then I wonder if he will suffer any impacts from all of this.
Katie really struggled after the holidays and she keeps trying to make it better - she is going to a counselor on Monday, but not really to talk about the loss of her daughter but to get medicine for her A.D.D. We'll see if it helps her. She is so afraid to talk about it and let it out - she says it is because it doesn't change anything, but the build up she has inside of her will eventually need to be let out.
I made the donation to Ronald McDonald house of Ann Arbor in Gracie's name. They were wonderful and I am grateful it was there for us for so many reasons. I can't imagine what people would do without a place like that.
I have so many things going through my mind but nothing I want to write about at this time.
As always... I love you Gracie - Always and Forevr!!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010 A New Year - Carrying 2009 with me.
As each new year comes - it seems everyone takes time to reflect on the past year and sometimes you want some of the moments back and othes you are glad they are behind you. I can honestly say that 2009 has been the absolute hardest year of my life and I know the it is the same for my daughter. However, a simple turn of the page of calendar doesn't take away all we have been through and I know it is not "over or behind us" - it is always with us and we continue the grieving process.
In February we will make our annual trip to the U.P. for the Winter Carnival at my step daughters College - these kids build absolutely amazing snow sculptures. But what keeps coming up for me is that last year on that weekend is when we got the call that Gracie wasn't feeling good, seemed like a bad cold and then she started to vomit - so I told Katie to take her in to be checked out. Well Gracie was diagnosed with RSV and it was serious. We headed home on Monday and went straight to the hospital - she was just shy of 6 weeks old. Going in to that hospital room that evening, she was on oxygen and looking up at me and you could tell not feeling well. I got to hold her but she was having a hard time breathing and they had me hold an additional O2 mask by her face and it would bring up her levels. I was worried, but had no idea what we were in for. The next morning Katie called and said they were putting her on the ventilator to help her breathing - I headed straight for the hospital and when I got there she was intubated. I couldn't believe it. The doctors kept saying it just takes time and that w/RSV you never know how long or where you are at on the roller coaster. After awhile I sent Katie home for a bit - about 20 minutes after Katie left, Gracie turned blue, her levels dropped, heart rate dropped and they had to work on her to bring her back up - That was the scariest moment in my life to that point - I asked the nurse if she was going to make it and she said they really didn't know. Wow - I couldn't breath - I didn't know what to say or do- I couldn't imagine her dying, it couldn't happen. I think I sat there in shock for awhile. Then they came in and decided to move her to ICU and there was a nurse with her at all times for the next 3 weeks. After another "semi-crash" the doctor came in and said - I think this will get alot worse before it gets better and I think we are in for a very long haul. Again it was like a smack across my face - worse?? how much worse for heavens sake she already has crashed twice and she is hooked up to kinds of IV's, ventilator, put in a medical coma so she remains calm and now they were talking about paralyzing her too - my mind could not comprehend it all.
We had no idea that road we were beginning to travel would wind up where it did. So for the next 3 weeks - we spent endless hours at the hospital and watched her struggle countless times and watched and prayed for her monitor's to show the right #'s and held our breaths that when they had to rescue that she would return to us. In retrospec - it was nothing compared to what would follow in May. But she fought so hard to stay alive and through it all they NEVER discovered her congenital heart & lung defect - Does anyone else think this is wrong. How do you have a sick baby - whom you are doing daily lung x-rays on and can't see that there is something wrong with one of her lungs - never detected any heart sounds and she had 2 holes in her heart. Couldn't hold her O2 levels very well even after she was declared free of RSV and no one checked for a heart or lung issue....I know that they arteries/blood vessels are very small - but come on - If I can type in low oxygen infant on WEB MD and get a heart issue - then why didn't they do more. Yes she had RSV but it was the defects that she had that allowed it be so bad.
I guess I also feel guilt - why didn't push for more? What could we have done more? I didn't think to look for low oxygen until she was hospitalized in May.. Even they day they discovered it - I happened to walk back in to her room when one of the interns turned to the heart doctor and said - how did we miss this when she was here before? Well they never did an echo then, but they should have - should have checked everything.
When Katie took in back in the end of March because she was having problems breathing - they said no she is fine - just keep giving her breathing treatments. They didn't do any further tests - really - is it that normal for a then 3 month old to have trouble breathing - a month after RSV? We had doctors at UofM tell us that she may have had a chance if Covenant had diagnosed her in February - none of them could believe that they didn't diagnose this when she had RSV - more like appalled by it quite frankly.
Today while reading one of the other moms blogs - I found out that one of the other babies that was in Gracie's room when she first came in had passed away this year too. I guess it just made me feel the pain for them again too and know that this Christmas - 3 out of the 4 babies in that room are gone and understand the pain we are all feeling.
So it is a new year and I pray for a peace filled, healing, loving year. The grieving process will continue for some time to come, but I will continue to keep Gracie inside my heart forever.
Love you Gracie!!
In February we will make our annual trip to the U.P. for the Winter Carnival at my step daughters College - these kids build absolutely amazing snow sculptures. But what keeps coming up for me is that last year on that weekend is when we got the call that Gracie wasn't feeling good, seemed like a bad cold and then she started to vomit - so I told Katie to take her in to be checked out. Well Gracie was diagnosed with RSV and it was serious. We headed home on Monday and went straight to the hospital - she was just shy of 6 weeks old. Going in to that hospital room that evening, she was on oxygen and looking up at me and you could tell not feeling well. I got to hold her but she was having a hard time breathing and they had me hold an additional O2 mask by her face and it would bring up her levels. I was worried, but had no idea what we were in for. The next morning Katie called and said they were putting her on the ventilator to help her breathing - I headed straight for the hospital and when I got there she was intubated. I couldn't believe it. The doctors kept saying it just takes time and that w/RSV you never know how long or where you are at on the roller coaster. After awhile I sent Katie home for a bit - about 20 minutes after Katie left, Gracie turned blue, her levels dropped, heart rate dropped and they had to work on her to bring her back up - That was the scariest moment in my life to that point - I asked the nurse if she was going to make it and she said they really didn't know. Wow - I couldn't breath - I didn't know what to say or do- I couldn't imagine her dying, it couldn't happen. I think I sat there in shock for awhile. Then they came in and decided to move her to ICU and there was a nurse with her at all times for the next 3 weeks. After another "semi-crash" the doctor came in and said - I think this will get alot worse before it gets better and I think we are in for a very long haul. Again it was like a smack across my face - worse?? how much worse for heavens sake she already has crashed twice and she is hooked up to kinds of IV's, ventilator, put in a medical coma so she remains calm and now they were talking about paralyzing her too - my mind could not comprehend it all.
We had no idea that road we were beginning to travel would wind up where it did. So for the next 3 weeks - we spent endless hours at the hospital and watched her struggle countless times and watched and prayed for her monitor's to show the right #'s and held our breaths that when they had to rescue that she would return to us. In retrospec - it was nothing compared to what would follow in May. But she fought so hard to stay alive and through it all they NEVER discovered her congenital heart & lung defect - Does anyone else think this is wrong. How do you have a sick baby - whom you are doing daily lung x-rays on and can't see that there is something wrong with one of her lungs - never detected any heart sounds and she had 2 holes in her heart. Couldn't hold her O2 levels very well even after she was declared free of RSV and no one checked for a heart or lung issue....I know that they arteries/blood vessels are very small - but come on - If I can type in low oxygen infant on WEB MD and get a heart issue - then why didn't they do more. Yes she had RSV but it was the defects that she had that allowed it be so bad.
I guess I also feel guilt - why didn't push for more? What could we have done more? I didn't think to look for low oxygen until she was hospitalized in May.. Even they day they discovered it - I happened to walk back in to her room when one of the interns turned to the heart doctor and said - how did we miss this when she was here before? Well they never did an echo then, but they should have - should have checked everything.
When Katie took in back in the end of March because she was having problems breathing - they said no she is fine - just keep giving her breathing treatments. They didn't do any further tests - really - is it that normal for a then 3 month old to have trouble breathing - a month after RSV? We had doctors at UofM tell us that she may have had a chance if Covenant had diagnosed her in February - none of them could believe that they didn't diagnose this when she had RSV - more like appalled by it quite frankly.
Today while reading one of the other moms blogs - I found out that one of the other babies that was in Gracie's room when she first came in had passed away this year too. I guess it just made me feel the pain for them again too and know that this Christmas - 3 out of the 4 babies in that room are gone and understand the pain we are all feeling.
So it is a new year and I pray for a peace filled, healing, loving year. The grieving process will continue for some time to come, but I will continue to keep Gracie inside my heart forever.
Love you Gracie!!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Christmas without Gracie
We were lucky that we had Christmas with you last year - it is so special to have a baby a Christmas - you were only 6 days old and slept through most of it.
We all talked about what Christmas would be like in 2009 when my grandkids would be 4, 3, 2 & 1 - it would be great - we had no idea you would be spending Christmas in heaven the next year and we would be missing you so much.
This year as I sang in the choir - I was constantly thinking of Gracie and when it was time for the children to lay the baby Jesus statue in the manger - and we had to sing Away in a Manager - well - I couldn't help but I started to cry.
This year was a different year for sure!! We did all things we normally do for the Grandkids and they opened gifts until they were tired of it. They were great - but Katie and I were always very cognizant of who was missing and wishing she were here. Katie overall did pretty good - although she is not having good days since - seems to be having a lot of bad dreams - (my thoughts are it is from trying to keep it all inside) so she missed the second family gathering with cousins and aunt. I was disappointed she didn't make it and sorry that Wayne missed out - but I also understood and I so wish I could do something to help her.
At the family gathering on Sunday - I was showing the pictures we just had taken of the grandkids and I said to my sister - I don't know what to do about Gracie's picture - (meaning it won't match the other kids pictures) and she said - just put it in your bedroom. - I became instantly angry and said, I WILL NOT - She existed and I won't pretend she didn't. I didn't yell it and my sister is pretty hard of hearing so she didn't hear me either - which is probably good. I don't think she meant anything by it - I think she thought I was saying I wanted to take it down - but that was not what I "meant". It does really make me mad when people look at the grandkids pictures and pretend that Gracie's isn't there.
It was a nice Christmas but the absence of Gracie was very much present in my heart and mind. With every gift I wrapped - I was very aware of not wrapping any for Gracie. Earlier this year I attended an auction for the Child Abuse and Neglect Council and bought an Elmo Kitchen set - I bought it with the intention of giving it to Wayne and Gracie this Christmas - Wayne loves Elmo and loves to play "cook" and thought it would be perfect with a little sister right behind him. So this year when he opened it - all I could think of was; it would have been great to have Gracie here and tried to envision the both of them playing with it.
Yes we made it though the holiday and soon it will be 2010. This year has been filled with so many ups and downs and so many losses (5 others in addition to Gracie). Of course NOTHING compares to the loss of Gracie - and we continue to struggle with the loss - some days are better then others, but she is never gone from our hearts and minds - If the truth be told, I don't want her to be... I want to keep her with me, not the sadness but the part that makes me smile and feel the absolute pure love she brought out in all of us. I want to keep the absolutely amazing part of Gracie with me forever.
Gracie - we love you... forever and always!!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Gracie's 1st. Birthday
Today our angel is 1 year old. I was remembering the 48 hours prior to her birth; we had a huge snowstorm that night = 10" by morning. Today we had snow again - not a big storm buy snow and flurries all day.
Dear Gracie:
One year ago today you came in to this world. I was so honored to be at our birth and to know that you would also have part of my name. Your mom did a great job all through delivery - but when you finally decided it was time, you came pretty fast at 3:30am weighing 6 1/2 lbs and 18" long.
Today I sent up a balloon to you - a pink mylar snowman and I wrote a birthday message for you. I watched float away until it disappeared. Today the hole inside me was opened again, as I wished I could see you and hold again. I want to know what you would look like today. Your brother and I made chocolate cake and he ate enough for both of you. He kept calling it birthday cake even though I did not speak of your special day.
I hope you are celebrating with Ethin and all the other baby angels. I hope that you will again fill the hole that is now open; I miss the warmth that had come in to fill it.
I wish I had a great poem to give you Gracie. I also wish the new picitures of your brother and cousins, that will soon hang on the wall, would not make it so obvious that you are no longer here. I will be making an annual donation in your name to Ronald McDonald House in Ann Arbor, which allowed your parents and me to be there with you.
I hope you can see the lights down here this Christmas and you can see how much we miss you and love you. I hope and pray you can somehow feel our love.
We were so blessed to have you and you brought us so much in return
Love you Always and Forever Gracie!! Happy Birthday our forever Baby Angel.
Love, Grammie
A birthday balloon for you!!
You didn't like not being swaddled.
Coming home to Grammie's house and meeting your brother who said, "that not Gracie, that baby"
Grammie enjoying giving you a bottle after your first night home. I was giving mom a rest, since you were up all night !!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Poem - Christmas in Heaven
This was posted on another child's blog - who earned is wings on November 25th.
I guess I should have waited till Christmas for this as her birthday is in 3 more days but it is appropriate. I will release a balloon and wish her happy Birthday and dream a picture of what she would look like today. I am picking her brother and we'll make a cake and I will silently sing happy birthday to her. Still looking for a special charity to make a donation in her honor - I think maybe the Ronald McDonald house or UofM hospital.
I love you Gracie - always and forever in my heart. Fly high with all the angels!!
Christmas in Heaven
by Unknown
'Tis Christmas in Heaven
What a beautiful sight!
It's my first one here;
Everything is all right.
The crib is adorned
With the brilliance of stars,
Wisemen have come
From Venus and Mars.
I've met all our dear ones
Who preceded us here;
The reunion was lovely,
An event full of cheer.
And tonight we'll all gather,
In reverence we'll kneel,
For the Babe in the cradle
Up in Heaven is Real.
I think of my family
that I left behind
And I pray that your Christmas
Is as blessed as mine
Please shed no more tears,
For my soul is at rest,
Just love one another;
Live life to its best.
Yes, It's Christmas In Heaven,
So I've heard them say,
Yet, Christmas In Heaven
Happens every day.
I guess I should have waited till Christmas for this as her birthday is in 3 more days but it is appropriate. I will release a balloon and wish her happy Birthday and dream a picture of what she would look like today. I am picking her brother and we'll make a cake and I will silently sing happy birthday to her. Still looking for a special charity to make a donation in her honor - I think maybe the Ronald McDonald house or UofM hospital.
I love you Gracie - always and forever in my heart. Fly high with all the angels!!
Christmas in Heaven
by Unknown
'Tis Christmas in Heaven
What a beautiful sight!
It's my first one here;
Everything is all right.
The crib is adorned
With the brilliance of stars,
Wisemen have come
From Venus and Mars.
I've met all our dear ones
Who preceded us here;
The reunion was lovely,
An event full of cheer.
And tonight we'll all gather,
In reverence we'll kneel,
For the Babe in the cradle
Up in Heaven is Real.
I think of my family
that I left behind
And I pray that your Christmas
Is as blessed as mine
Please shed no more tears,
For my soul is at rest,
Just love one another;
Live life to its best.
Yes, It's Christmas In Heaven,
So I've heard them say,
Yet, Christmas In Heaven
Happens every day.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Six months
Yesterday was 6 months since we last saw our Gracie and held her hand and kissed her face.
Eleven more days till her first birthday - hard to imagine it - what would she look like. As I wrap the Christmas gifts, I think about all the gifts I would have wrapped for her. Her brother and cousins of course would have had a lot of fun "help" her open her gifts. Hard to believe she would be walking and trying to talk. So hard to imagine - we said good bye to a little baby - she will always be our Angel Baby.
I am frustrated that I don't know how to honor her birthday - I don't want to be morose, but I want to acknowledge it and tell her Happy Birthday. Maybe I will write her a letter that day - I am no poet.
Here she as few scratches on her face - she was born with the longest finger nails - she needed a manicure. Only 3 days old!!
Eleven more days till her first birthday - hard to imagine it - what would she look like. As I wrap the Christmas gifts, I think about all the gifts I would have wrapped for her. Her brother and cousins of course would have had a lot of fun "help" her open her gifts. Hard to believe she would be walking and trying to talk. So hard to imagine - we said good bye to a little baby - she will always be our Angel Baby.
I am frustrated that I don't know how to honor her birthday - I don't want to be morose, but I want to acknowledge it and tell her Happy Birthday. Maybe I will write her a letter that day - I am no poet.
Here she as few scratches on her face - she was born with the longest finger nails - she needed a manicure. Only 3 days old!!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Gracie's Christmas Bulb
Thanksgiving brought lots of people and my grandkids - they had a great time. Gracie's name came up a few times during the day and my daughter handled it really well.
The following day we started decorating for Christmas - we have bulbs for each of us with our names on them - a thing my sister started with her family years ago and I gave ornaments every to my kids growing up. Each kids has an ornament with their name and so when the grandkids started coming - they got ornmanents (red stockings) with their names on them - Since Gracie was born 6 days before Christmas - we did not have time to get her ornament made before the holiday. So this year - I had a different one made at a craft show - it is a big round ornament with a pink angel on it and she is is holding a heart ornament - actually the ornaments were pre-made like this with different colored angels on them and they stated "In Memory of..." and I had them put Gracie Lou on it. It was one of the first ornaments on the tree and of course it brought tears, but she deserves an ornament on the tree like everyone else.
Later in the evening as sat on the couch looking at the tree - I noticed her ornament swayed from side to side a few times and no other ornaments did - I just smiled.... and said - I Love You too Gracie!!
Today as I was shopping for Christmas - only one of the stores really bothered me. It was small store in town and I think it reminded me of shopping for Gracie there just before she was born and I had not been in there since before Easter when I bought Gracie her summer outfits there. I imagine they are all still in the closet with the tags on them - she never got to wear any of them. Part of me wants to ask my daughter - they should go to another child who can wear them - but I just can't do it right now. It is really up to my daughter to decide what to do with them.
I remember this time last year I was getting so excited for her to be born - I was going to be there for this birth. She was the only grand child who seem to always respond when I would talk to my daughters belly and rub it - it was so comical and my daughter and I would just giggle at how much and consistenly she would kick and move when I did this. I think I was more nervouse for her birth then I was for any of the other grandkids - maybe because Iwas going to be there for the actual birth. It was the one time that I kept my cell phone on at all times - I had to learn how to put it on silence/vibrate when I was work or church.
Her birthday is fast approaching - I wish there was a cemetary to go to - but she was cremated and her ashes are in pink urn at my daughter's house - she wanted her home with her. I never thought much about the difference of cremation vs. burial. But sometimes I wish I could go to a place where she is (even though I know she isn't really there) and be able to sit or stand and talk or put flowers or what ever. I think I will release a balloon on her birthday.
I can't help but remember my step-daughter saying - "Next year, Christmas will really be fun - we have 4, 3, 2 & 1" (ages of the grandkids). I remember thinking wow - you're right and I also remember a wierd quick fear come in to my head - like don't say that or something will happen - the kind of silly stuff you say to yourself. But this year we have 4,3 & 2 and the angel who be in hearts.
When I turned the page of the Calendar - there it was - Gracie's Birthday #1 - big red letters - I felt like I couldn't cross it off and yet I feel like I need to do something before my daughter comes over for Christmas - kind of dumb I guess - but it is those little things that throw you and you are just not equipped to know what to do or how to handle it.
The following day we started decorating for Christmas - we have bulbs for each of us with our names on them - a thing my sister started with her family years ago and I gave ornaments every to my kids growing up. Each kids has an ornament with their name and so when the grandkids started coming - they got ornmanents (red stockings) with their names on them - Since Gracie was born 6 days before Christmas - we did not have time to get her ornament made before the holiday. So this year - I had a different one made at a craft show - it is a big round ornament with a pink angel on it and she is is holding a heart ornament - actually the ornaments were pre-made like this with different colored angels on them and they stated "In Memory of..." and I had them put Gracie Lou on it. It was one of the first ornaments on the tree and of course it brought tears, but she deserves an ornament on the tree like everyone else.
Later in the evening as sat on the couch looking at the tree - I noticed her ornament swayed from side to side a few times and no other ornaments did - I just smiled.... and said - I Love You too Gracie!!
Today as I was shopping for Christmas - only one of the stores really bothered me. It was small store in town and I think it reminded me of shopping for Gracie there just before she was born and I had not been in there since before Easter when I bought Gracie her summer outfits there. I imagine they are all still in the closet with the tags on them - she never got to wear any of them. Part of me wants to ask my daughter - they should go to another child who can wear them - but I just can't do it right now. It is really up to my daughter to decide what to do with them.
I remember this time last year I was getting so excited for her to be born - I was going to be there for this birth. She was the only grand child who seem to always respond when I would talk to my daughters belly and rub it - it was so comical and my daughter and I would just giggle at how much and consistenly she would kick and move when I did this. I think I was more nervouse for her birth then I was for any of the other grandkids - maybe because Iwas going to be there for the actual birth. It was the one time that I kept my cell phone on at all times - I had to learn how to put it on silence/vibrate when I was work or church.
Her birthday is fast approaching - I wish there was a cemetary to go to - but she was cremated and her ashes are in pink urn at my daughter's house - she wanted her home with her. I never thought much about the difference of cremation vs. burial. But sometimes I wish I could go to a place where she is (even though I know she isn't really there) and be able to sit or stand and talk or put flowers or what ever. I think I will release a balloon on her birthday.
I can't help but remember my step-daughter saying - "Next year, Christmas will really be fun - we have 4, 3, 2 & 1" (ages of the grandkids). I remember thinking wow - you're right and I also remember a wierd quick fear come in to my head - like don't say that or something will happen - the kind of silly stuff you say to yourself. But this year we have 4,3 & 2 and the angel who be in hearts.
When I turned the page of the Calendar - there it was - Gracie's Birthday #1 - big red letters - I felt like I couldn't cross it off and yet I feel like I need to do something before my daughter comes over for Christmas - kind of dumb I guess - but it is those little things that throw you and you are just not equipped to know what to do or how to handle it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)