Thanksgiving brought lots of people and my grandkids - they had a great time. Gracie's name came up a few times during the day and my daughter handled it really well.
The following day we started decorating for Christmas - we have bulbs for each of us with our names on them - a thing my sister started with her family years ago and I gave ornaments every to my kids growing up. Each kids has an ornament with their name and so when the grandkids started coming - they got ornmanents (red stockings) with their names on them - Since Gracie was born 6 days before Christmas - we did not have time to get her ornament made before the holiday. So this year - I had a different one made at a craft show - it is a big round ornament with a pink angel on it and she is is holding a heart ornament - actually the ornaments were pre-made like this with different colored angels on them and they stated "In Memory of..." and I had them put Gracie Lou on it. It was one of the first ornaments on the tree and of course it brought tears, but she deserves an ornament on the tree like everyone else.
Later in the evening as sat on the couch looking at the tree - I noticed her ornament swayed from side to side a few times and no other ornaments did - I just smiled.... and said - I Love You too Gracie!!
Today as I was shopping for Christmas - only one of the stores really bothered me. It was small store in town and I think it reminded me of shopping for Gracie there just before she was born and I had not been in there since before Easter when I bought Gracie her summer outfits there. I imagine they are all still in the closet with the tags on them - she never got to wear any of them. Part of me wants to ask my daughter - they should go to another child who can wear them - but I just can't do it right now. It is really up to my daughter to decide what to do with them.
I remember this time last year I was getting so excited for her to be born - I was going to be there for this birth. She was the only grand child who seem to always respond when I would talk to my daughters belly and rub it - it was so comical and my daughter and I would just giggle at how much and consistenly she would kick and move when I did this. I think I was more nervouse for her birth then I was for any of the other grandkids - maybe because Iwas going to be there for the actual birth. It was the one time that I kept my cell phone on at all times - I had to learn how to put it on silence/vibrate when I was work or church.
Her birthday is fast approaching - I wish there was a cemetary to go to - but she was cremated and her ashes are in pink urn at my daughter's house - she wanted her home with her. I never thought much about the difference of cremation vs. burial. But sometimes I wish I could go to a place where she is (even though I know she isn't really there) and be able to sit or stand and talk or put flowers or what ever. I think I will release a balloon on her birthday.
I can't help but remember my step-daughter saying - "Next year, Christmas will really be fun - we have 4, 3, 2 & 1" (ages of the grandkids). I remember thinking wow - you're right and I also remember a wierd quick fear come in to my head - like don't say that or something will happen - the kind of silly stuff you say to yourself. But this year we have 4,3 & 2 and the angel who be in hearts.
When I turned the page of the Calendar - there it was - Gracie's Birthday #1 - big red letters - I felt like I couldn't cross it off and yet I feel like I need to do something before my daughter comes over for Christmas - kind of dumb I guess - but it is those little things that throw you and you are just not equipped to know what to do or how to handle it.
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