We were lucky that we had Christmas with you last year - it is so special to have a baby a Christmas - you were only 6 days old and slept through most of it.
We all talked about what Christmas would be like in 2009 when my grandkids would be 4, 3, 2 & 1 - it would be great - we had no idea you would be spending Christmas in heaven the next year and we would be missing you so much.
This year as I sang in the choir - I was constantly thinking of Gracie and when it was time for the children to lay the baby Jesus statue in the manger - and we had to sing Away in a Manager - well - I couldn't help but I started to cry.
This year was a different year for sure!! We did all things we normally do for the Grandkids and they opened gifts until they were tired of it. They were great - but Katie and I were always very cognizant of who was missing and wishing she were here. Katie overall did pretty good - although she is not having good days since - seems to be having a lot of bad dreams - (my thoughts are it is from trying to keep it all inside) so she missed the second family gathering with cousins and aunt. I was disappointed she didn't make it and sorry that Wayne missed out - but I also understood and I so wish I could do something to help her.
At the family gathering on Sunday - I was showing the pictures we just had taken of the grandkids and I said to my sister - I don't know what to do about Gracie's picture - (meaning it won't match the other kids pictures) and she said - just put it in your bedroom. - I became instantly angry and said, I WILL NOT - She existed and I won't pretend she didn't. I didn't yell it and my sister is pretty hard of hearing so she didn't hear me either - which is probably good. I don't think she meant anything by it - I think she thought I was saying I wanted to take it down - but that was not what I "meant". It does really make me mad when people look at the grandkids pictures and pretend that Gracie's isn't there.
It was a nice Christmas but the absence of Gracie was very much present in my heart and mind. With every gift I wrapped - I was very aware of not wrapping any for Gracie. Earlier this year I attended an auction for the Child Abuse and Neglect Council and bought an Elmo Kitchen set - I bought it with the intention of giving it to Wayne and Gracie this Christmas - Wayne loves Elmo and loves to play "cook" and thought it would be perfect with a little sister right behind him. So this year when he opened it - all I could think of was; it would have been great to have Gracie here and tried to envision the both of them playing with it.
Yes we made it though the holiday and soon it will be 2010. This year has been filled with so many ups and downs and so many losses (5 others in addition to Gracie). Of course NOTHING compares to the loss of Gracie - and we continue to struggle with the loss - some days are better then others, but she is never gone from our hearts and minds - If the truth be told, I don't want her to be... I want to keep her with me, not the sadness but the part that makes me smile and feel the absolute pure love she brought out in all of us. I want to keep the absolutely amazing part of Gracie with me forever.
Gracie - we love you... forever and always!!
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