Four Months..

It has been 4 months today that Gracie got her wings.  Sometimes it seems so much longer.  Some days it seems like forever since  I have seen her and touched her.  Other days it seems like it just happened.  She would have been 9 months old this month.  I wonder how long her hair would be and how many teeth she would have.  Would she have a laugh like her brother or love to bounce like he did?  What things would she love to do?

For whatever reason - next month bothers me - when she will be gone longer then she was here - it seems so unfair, afraid that she will not be remembered.  I feel like only her mom and I think about her, no one else wants to talk about it.  I have been to a lot of hospitals for family members since Gracie passed and if I relate anything to Gracie, I can tell it makes people uncomfortable.  I think they feel they need to say something about her and that isn't it at all, I am just relaying an experience.   I need to be able to say her name and talk about her and all I need is people to listen, that's all. 

Recently I was talking with a coworker and discovered that they have been dealing with their child who was injured in an accident as a toddler and is now 7 or 8 and has been in a vegatative state since the injury.  We spoke of  the issues the child has and how illnesses really become severe for the child very quickly.  This person has been thinking about the childs quality of life for some time and has been unable to discuss it with the other parent.  As I listened and could understand the very difficult decision that was being made, I offered that  maybe the other parent could be enrolled in the possibility of giving this child a peaceful death and this childs name is Grace.  I was able to have this conversation for my co-worker to give them support in any way I could, even if it was just listening.   But later, I kept thinking about it and though how odd it was that I would find myself on other side of similar situation and have the childs name be Grace. 

When we were going through the final weeks of Gracie's life, I too had a person talk with me and ask me what I wanted for her?  I knew I didn't want her to suffer, but at first I couldn't think of her dying - but then I realized I wanted her passing to be as peaceful as possible.  I watched my daughter and Gracie's dad struggle with this also - what a horrible decision to have to make.   But in the end, we wanted her to not suffer anymore.  

Still to this day, I wish we could take the decision back - but then I force myself to look at the pictures of her during those last weeks and I know in my head that my daughter made the right decision for her daughter.  I wish I could get it from my head to my heart.

I always pray that I could see her one more time in my dreams, but I never do.  Maybe my head is protecting my heart.