I don't know what came over me at work today - the same petty stuff was happening and today I was so angry at everyone, I was shaking and I couldn't stop the tears - I was in a strategic planning meeting and I couldn't hold back tears. I was embarrassed and yet I was so mad - I actually felt like vomiting. My boss got me calmed down - she is very skilled at listening to people and she always seems to have a calming effect. But it was always there - underneath and if I didn't keep my mind off of it, I could easily have become a crying mess again.. Even on my drive home - I couldn't stop it and the shaking came back too. I think I am turning in to a basket case.
I know it is depression - I don't know why I can't shake it - I am a logical person, I know what is happening and I still can't stop it. If I didn't work - I could so easily stay at home and not talk to a single sole and I would be totally comfortable doing that most of the time. That is not who I am, I like to be busy and going.
My sister-in-law has invited me and some other women to go up north for a "girls weekend" - I accepted and now I don't want to go and it seems so overwhelming to do that and be gone the whole weekend etc. I am having a hard enough time just trying to get my house back in order and do the laundry. After being gone every weekend to our cottage things at home get put aside, but it all seems exhausting to do. I think if left to my own - I could sleep 12 hours a day - again not who I am normally. I think part of my exhaustion is just working so hard to be normal and pretend it is all OK.
I hate being like this - out of control- feeling like I am faking being something I am not. I know it is me - I just don't know how to do it differently. Why can't I get a grip? I have lost other people in my life and never have gone through this - I loved them too, but I managed to handle the loss much better then this.
I found out today that apparently my insurance doesn't cover counseling - I was considering not going, but after today I know I need to go, I can't go on like this - I know I can't continue to pretend, it is exhausting. Maybe I have moved to the angry phase - but why do I seem to cry uncontrollably?
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