Recently while attending a communications course, I realized how much I had been burying my feelings of grief. It was totally a suprise to me, I thought I was doing much better - had gone through all the phases of grief... NOT SO!! What I saw was that I had been grieving like it was project to complete. So I convinced myself I was through the worst part of it and now was just missing her- but actually I'm in the denial phase - not denial of her death, but denial that I am still grieving for her.
I really was able to see how repressed I have made myself in an attempt to "get through it". I knew I wasn't able to talk about it - which is why I started the blog, but then this wasn't doing for me what I thought. What I have really repressed is my ability to be with the deep sadness (grief) I have been feeling and pretending I don't. It has been underlying everything - just waiting to burst out when my guard was down. So during the class when were asked to close our eyes and think about a time we experienced real love - I quickly remembered my husband the day I was diagnosed with cancer - I found out that day how much I was truly and deeply loved by my husband. I used to say it was the best and worst of my life. Now it was no longer my worst day, and my mind quickly flashed to Gracie's last hours (this happened so fast before I could even think about it, like turning the channel on the TV and there we were, all in the room saying goodbye to Gracie.. There - in all that horrible sadness and heart break, was this tremendous feeling of total & complete love in that room. Even when you look at the pictures - you can see pain on my daughters face and you can see incredible love too - it sounds crazy but there was such an outpouring of love for Gracie and for each other - you can see it in pictures. I remember when I first saw the pictures, what struck me was the how strong and beautiful my daughter looked and then when you looked at everyone else - you can see their pain but through love. So hard to explain and put in to words.
I have begun to realize that I have been able to have laughter, but I have been keeping myself closed off to really letting love in and probably out too - because it is like opening a wound again. I have been in denial of all of this.
I talked with my daughter and told her that what I have been seeing her do - I have been doing the same thing, just in a different way. I decided it was time to talk with someone and made an appointment. To my suprise, my daughter has decided to do the same thing - she sees it is taking over her life too. Depression....some days it feels like a huge and very heavy wet blanket on my shoulders and it is so hard to fight it off - which is why I am exhausted many days. It takes a lot of work to fight it off and now I realize I just fight it in to submission for awhile - but I haven't defeated it yet. I sure have done a "pretty good job" hiding it - even from myself.
Gracie would have been 10 months yesterday - I saw a little girl in church on Sunday with big blue eyes - at least I could smile at her, but then I had to look away before the tears came. What would she be doing now?? I try not to ask those questions - but it is so hard not to.
My friends have told me to not be so hard on myself - this process will take sometime - I just have realize it is OK to be sad and it is OK to grieve for her and stop trying to rush through the grieving process.
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