There will be an empty spot today in our hearts and at the table, but we will always be thankful for you Gracie!! I know you will be with us today in spirit and know that we love you and miss you.
Your brother still talks about you and still doesn't have an understanding of where you went, he only knows the words we tell him. '
Fly with all the angels today Gracie - I am thankful you graced our lives!!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Made my day....
These days I really find myself being able to feel very close to Gracie, carrying her inside. I still cry but it is different, like bitter sweet tears - missing her and loving her and glad I had the chance to have her be a part of my life. I hope she never leaves this place inside me.
Had the pictures of all the grandkids taken with me and my daughters - we had fun doing it and we had Izabel hold a little bear to symbolize Gracie. Izabel then decided she wanted to hold the bear in almost all the pictures and that was ok too. The pictures turned out so darn cute.
I know when I hang them all on the wall that it will be very apparent as Gracie's picture will not match all the rest, and will never change as they will, through the years. She will forever remain our baby Gracie!! She is spending her first Thanksgiving in heaven - but I am thankful she was in our lives, even though it wasn't long enough. "bitter/sweet tears"
One of the families we met at the hospital is now back home and they are taking care of their daughter who recently had to be hospitalized again. I follow their blog regularly to keep up dated on their daughters progress. I don't often write comments to them, but decided to a couple of days ago. Today when I read the blog they had written this and it made my day!!
As many of you know we met a lot of very special people while we were in Ann Arbor. We thank God for blessing these people in our lives. One of the families we met lost their little Gracie in June. We think of their family often. Louann writes to Taya and it touches our hearts that she thinks and prays for us. When we got into Taya's room at the hospital we looked up at the ceiling tile and it had the name "Gracie". We instantly knew everything would be okay. We just know that little Gracie is looking down on Taya. We pray that Gracie's family feels the warmth of friends and family and are comforted by the special memories they have of Gracie
Had the pictures of all the grandkids taken with me and my daughters - we had fun doing it and we had Izabel hold a little bear to symbolize Gracie. Izabel then decided she wanted to hold the bear in almost all the pictures and that was ok too. The pictures turned out so darn cute.
I know when I hang them all on the wall that it will be very apparent as Gracie's picture will not match all the rest, and will never change as they will, through the years. She will forever remain our baby Gracie!! She is spending her first Thanksgiving in heaven - but I am thankful she was in our lives, even though it wasn't long enough. "bitter/sweet tears"
One of the families we met at the hospital is now back home and they are taking care of their daughter who recently had to be hospitalized again. I follow their blog regularly to keep up dated on their daughters progress. I don't often write comments to them, but decided to a couple of days ago. Today when I read the blog they had written this and it made my day!!
As many of you know we met a lot of very special people while we were in Ann Arbor. We thank God for blessing these people in our lives. One of the families we met lost their little Gracie in June. We think of their family often. Louann writes to Taya and it touches our hearts that she thinks and prays for us. When we got into Taya's room at the hospital we looked up at the ceiling tile and it had the name "Gracie". We instantly knew everything would be okay. We just know that little Gracie is looking down on Taya. We pray that Gracie's family feels the warmth of friends and family and are comforted by the special memories they have of Gracie
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Eleven Months today
Today, Gracie would have been 11 months old - I wonder how long her hair would be, how many teeth she would have, how much her looks would have changed as she began to turn from infant to a toddler? Would she still have pudgy cheeks or would she have lost those by now? Would she look like her mom? Would she giggle big belly laughs like her brother or have her own unique giggle that would make us laugh too? She may have even been walking by now - not wanting to let her big brother get anything over on her.
I am sure she would still have a giant smile that would light up our world!! Big blue eyes that would sparkle.
I am sure that she is happy and perfect where she is at today and will be our families guardian angel.
Dear Gracie - I love you - Always and forever!! You will live in my heart, you were a gift to us - you brought about many positive changes in our family and I am thankful you came in to our lives. Love, Grammie
I am sure she would still have a giant smile that would light up our world!! Big blue eyes that would sparkle.
I am sure that she is happy and perfect where she is at today and will be our families guardian angel.
Dear Gracie - I love you - Always and forever!! You will live in my heart, you were a gift to us - you brought about many positive changes in our family and I am thankful you came in to our lives. Love, Grammie
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Gracie's with me...
I am not sure I can describe what has recently changed. I have been extremely depressed and couldn't stop it no matter how much I tried.
Recently when at a training class we were talking about creating our future (work), but being so lost in myself and my life that I began to think about that. Future - what is that future without Gracie, how great can a future be when my heart has been torn apart and my chest feels like there is a hole it? So I sat there listening for awhile, really resisting that there could be any good, great or wonderful future. I remember thinking please God, you have to help me here and all of a sudden it came to me - I am the grandmother of 3 (should be 4 and was 4 and will always be 4), but I am the mother of 3 grandchildren on earth, who I love dearly and I know love me too. I know this sounds simple and the truth be told, I haven't stopped seeing or being with my grandchildren, but now there is some freedom to really feel their love and let my love for them come out. No child replaces another - so that is not what I am speaking of here.
At that time something in my heart and mind just switched like a light switch. And Gracie moved from somewhere out there -where I couldn't see or touch her and was afraid she would be forgotten and that I needed to hold on to all the pain or she would be lost. At that moment Gracies's spririt became part of me and I could really smile and feel this warmth inside and even joy - I could now feel her with me and I no longer feel like I don't have her. Of course I would rather have her here in body to hold and play with - I will always want that and would give anything to have it - but I now feel like I have a little piece of her with me. She is not totally lost to me. I can be a grammie to all 4 of them now!
All this sounds a little crazy I am sure and I wish I could articulate it better. I wish I understood it better. Maybe she is just helping me pick myself up so I can be the grammie that I love being to my grandkids on earth. Two days after this "switch" I was in the store and someone asked me how my grandkids I had and of course I wanted to say 4, but I said 3 and just as I was starting to feel bad about it, I got this very warm, peaceful feeling inside me, which resulted in this gentle smile on my face. I don't know where it came from, because I sure didn't feel like smiling, but I knew that it was Ok and she was Ok with it and that it didn't mean I had forgotten her, I have her in a special way now - (almost feels a little selfish).
Tomorrow she will be gone 5 1/2 months - the same amount of time she was here with us. Sometimes it feels like yesterday she was here and other times it feels like she has been gone forever. Just when I think I can't miss her more, I do and I still cry - (I'am told that is good for me), but I now know I have a little piece of her in me. I will love her always and forever in my heart.
I know I still have a long ways to go with my grieving - it is not over and never will be, it will change and it will show itself in many other forms - I am going to try to accept the grieving process and let happen whenever it does and try not to resist it. I have started to believe that if I keep resisting it, that I am also resisting feeling her too and I don't want that.
Recently when at a training class we were talking about creating our future (work), but being so lost in myself and my life that I began to think about that. Future - what is that future without Gracie, how great can a future be when my heart has been torn apart and my chest feels like there is a hole it? So I sat there listening for awhile, really resisting that there could be any good, great or wonderful future. I remember thinking please God, you have to help me here and all of a sudden it came to me - I am the grandmother of 3 (should be 4 and was 4 and will always be 4), but I am the mother of 3 grandchildren on earth, who I love dearly and I know love me too. I know this sounds simple and the truth be told, I haven't stopped seeing or being with my grandchildren, but now there is some freedom to really feel their love and let my love for them come out. No child replaces another - so that is not what I am speaking of here.
At that time something in my heart and mind just switched like a light switch. And Gracie moved from somewhere out there -where I couldn't see or touch her and was afraid she would be forgotten and that I needed to hold on to all the pain or she would be lost. At that moment Gracies's spririt became part of me and I could really smile and feel this warmth inside and even joy - I could now feel her with me and I no longer feel like I don't have her. Of course I would rather have her here in body to hold and play with - I will always want that and would give anything to have it - but I now feel like I have a little piece of her with me. She is not totally lost to me. I can be a grammie to all 4 of them now!
All this sounds a little crazy I am sure and I wish I could articulate it better. I wish I understood it better. Maybe she is just helping me pick myself up so I can be the grammie that I love being to my grandkids on earth. Two days after this "switch" I was in the store and someone asked me how my grandkids I had and of course I wanted to say 4, but I said 3 and just as I was starting to feel bad about it, I got this very warm, peaceful feeling inside me, which resulted in this gentle smile on my face. I don't know where it came from, because I sure didn't feel like smiling, but I knew that it was Ok and she was Ok with it and that it didn't mean I had forgotten her, I have her in a special way now - (almost feels a little selfish).
Tomorrow she will be gone 5 1/2 months - the same amount of time she was here with us. Sometimes it feels like yesterday she was here and other times it feels like she has been gone forever. Just when I think I can't miss her more, I do and I still cry - (I'am told that is good for me), but I now know I have a little piece of her in me. I will love her always and forever in my heart.
I know I still have a long ways to go with my grieving - it is not over and never will be, it will change and it will show itself in many other forms - I am going to try to accept the grieving process and let happen whenever it does and try not to resist it. I have started to believe that if I keep resisting it, that I am also resisting feeling her too and I don't want that.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
FEAR
Something happened a week agon and this past week I seem to have turned a corner. This week I have not wanted to sleep all day and getting back to doing things again. I admit though that getting ready for Thanksgiving seems a little overwhelming, but I don't think it is much more then normal.
I don't fool myself though - I know I still have sorrow and pain and if asked just right questions, tears can flow. I went to dinner this past Friday with my sister-in-law and a couple of her friends. I was the first one to arrive and the next was the person that I am very comfortable with and know pretty well. We began talking about a lot of things, and when I told her that I too was not going up north with my sister-in-law and the other person, she was suprised and asked why. So I told her that I have been struggling and I didn't want to go away for the entire weekend right before Thanksgiving. She respectfully stated that she was sorry for my loss and asked how my daughter was doing and her son. She then asked if minded telling her Gracie's story and part of me was relieved to be able to talk about it and part of me was worried about my emotions etc. I told her about Gracie and how she died and we shed a few tears together. My sister-in-law came in just as we were wiping away tears and I tried to tell her that we were talking about
Gracie and it just seemed like she was uncomfortable. So the conversation switched totally a different way and nothing more was mentioned - it felt like sweeping under the rug and let's pretend we weren't talking about it. This has been pretty typical of my experience with dealing with this.
I have people say I don't talk about it enough - but what am I supposed to do? I have felt much stronger this last week - but I also have fear. I thought I was doing better before and then I hit a wall and realized how much I hadn't been dealing with Gracie's death. Then I was in a dark, dark place and this past week I feel I have come out of it -but I fear it is still there, lying underneath and waiting to over take me again.
I keep second guessing if I am OK or is this just some other phase or am I just pretending and not realizing it. I don't want to go back in that dark state - it is so overwhelmingly sad, painful and everything is difficult and I couldn't see anything very clearly - like constantly driving down a foggy road. So I fear it will come back and it scares me.
This week I went shopping for the giving tree we have at work and I made myself take one of tags for a 3month little girl. I bought pajamas for her and her little 4yr. old brother. I have tried to stay away of the baby things in stores and of course I remembered buying Gracie clothes at this time last year. But when I went shopping, although I thought of Gracie, it was like she was inside with me and I could smile and buy this other little baby a Christmas gift. I even looked at some Christmas items and felt a little joy at thought of Christmas with my three grandkids. Oh I know the next 6 weeks are not going to be easy and I am willing to face it - buy I don't want to enter the darkness again and feel powerless to do anything.
Gracie was a gift and I have come to believe that God gave us extra time with her - we didn't know it at the time, and I have only come to appreciate the fact that we did get extra time. The doctors don't know how she ever survived the very severe case of RSV she had when she was 6 weeks old - In ICU for a month then - sedated, medically paralyzed, etc and she came through it and we got 3 more months with her - Thank you God!! Please hold our Gracie in your loving arms and tell her we love her always.
I don't fool myself though - I know I still have sorrow and pain and if asked just right questions, tears can flow. I went to dinner this past Friday with my sister-in-law and a couple of her friends. I was the first one to arrive and the next was the person that I am very comfortable with and know pretty well. We began talking about a lot of things, and when I told her that I too was not going up north with my sister-in-law and the other person, she was suprised and asked why. So I told her that I have been struggling and I didn't want to go away for the entire weekend right before Thanksgiving. She respectfully stated that she was sorry for my loss and asked how my daughter was doing and her son. She then asked if minded telling her Gracie's story and part of me was relieved to be able to talk about it and part of me was worried about my emotions etc. I told her about Gracie and how she died and we shed a few tears together. My sister-in-law came in just as we were wiping away tears and I tried to tell her that we were talking about
Gracie and it just seemed like she was uncomfortable. So the conversation switched totally a different way and nothing more was mentioned - it felt like sweeping under the rug and let's pretend we weren't talking about it. This has been pretty typical of my experience with dealing with this.
I have people say I don't talk about it enough - but what am I supposed to do? I have felt much stronger this last week - but I also have fear. I thought I was doing better before and then I hit a wall and realized how much I hadn't been dealing with Gracie's death. Then I was in a dark, dark place and this past week I feel I have come out of it -but I fear it is still there, lying underneath and waiting to over take me again.
I keep second guessing if I am OK or is this just some other phase or am I just pretending and not realizing it. I don't want to go back in that dark state - it is so overwhelmingly sad, painful and everything is difficult and I couldn't see anything very clearly - like constantly driving down a foggy road. So I fear it will come back and it scares me.
This week I went shopping for the giving tree we have at work and I made myself take one of tags for a 3month little girl. I bought pajamas for her and her little 4yr. old brother. I have tried to stay away of the baby things in stores and of course I remembered buying Gracie clothes at this time last year. But when I went shopping, although I thought of Gracie, it was like she was inside with me and I could smile and buy this other little baby a Christmas gift. I even looked at some Christmas items and felt a little joy at thought of Christmas with my three grandkids. Oh I know the next 6 weeks are not going to be easy and I am willing to face it - buy I don't want to enter the darkness again and feel powerless to do anything.
Gracie was a gift and I have come to believe that God gave us extra time with her - we didn't know it at the time, and I have only come to appreciate the fact that we did get extra time. The doctors don't know how she ever survived the very severe case of RSV she had when she was 6 weeks old - In ICU for a month then - sedated, medically paralyzed, etc and she came through it and we got 3 more months with her - Thank you God!! Please hold our Gracie in your loving arms and tell her we love her always.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Some joy
I have been making more blankets and enjoying it - it may sound silly but I feel very connected to Gracie while I am doing it - like encouragement. I wish I could articulate it better - but there is a joy and peace while I am doing it.
I will not fool myself in to thinking that I am through the hard part - did that before. I have felt stronger the last few days - but I know we are coming in to a difficult time with her birthday and Christmas so close together - we'll just take 1 day at a time for now. I know how quickly I can cry - how underneath there is still so much that is raw pain - but the last few days have been good and I am not feeling as weighed down as before. I didn't even need to sleep 12 hours a night over the weekend.
I keep hearing more and more little girls being called Gracie or Grace - I had no idea how popular the name was. I have really been hearing it a lot more lately - so I've decided that when I do - she is just letting me know she's still with me.
I will not fool myself in to thinking that I am through the hard part - did that before. I have felt stronger the last few days - but I know we are coming in to a difficult time with her birthday and Christmas so close together - we'll just take 1 day at a time for now. I know how quickly I can cry - how underneath there is still so much that is raw pain - but the last few days have been good and I am not feeling as weighed down as before. I didn't even need to sleep 12 hours a night over the weekend.
I keep hearing more and more little girls being called Gracie or Grace - I had no idea how popular the name was. I have really been hearing it a lot more lately - so I've decided that when I do - she is just letting me know she's still with me.
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