Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Time for Closure.....

Well in the last two years since Gracie has passed, I seem to be a magnet for people who have or have had very sick children or children who have died.   It is like we are kindred spirits or something.  It has been suggested that it is a gift that I can bring to others who need to talk or need to be comforted.  Believe me this is not a gift I would choose to get or give to anyone else.  I would not call it a gift, but there is definitely a bond with others when they have experienced similar situations - even more so when it centers around a child. 

I have not returned to the hospital where we said goodbye to Gracie.  There have been a few times in the past 2 years when I thought I would be going back there, but somehow I never had to go and I was OK with that.  However it has once again come around and my daughter has asked that I go with her - it will be the first time back for both of us.  I now realize that life keeps sending you similar things until you finally face it and do whatever is needed to, to over come the fear or anger or whatever has allowed that incident to shape your life.  I know returning there won't change what happened but I think there will be some closure for me and for Katie too. 

As I said, life seems to create similar situations or maybe we keep creating it - but we are going back to the hospital to take a child who has been having breathing issues since he was born.  We know the issue is not the same as Gracie, but he does need to be checked out by a specialist.  The hospital here keeps saying he is fine but we don't have a lot of confidence in them - especially when the child shows outward symptoms of issues and other people remark on how strangely he breathes.  Finally they were able to find a doctor who referred him to the specialist and so I have been asked to take them.  How could I say NO?  Even under normal circumstance how could I say no? 

I don't know how I will react or how Katie will be  - we both want to be there for her friend and child and we will.   But I also know that Katie and I will need time to deal with all the memories that will come flooding back as well as whatever feelings bubble to the surface.    I am praying that it will bring some kind of closure and will be cathartic.  To be honest I don't what kind of closure it can bring - maybe I'll be able to say the name of the school or hospital without all other stuff coming to mind or that I will be able to think about all the other people they help and heal instead of those they can't.   Maybe I can just give up the resistance I feel for the place... I mean the mere thought driving in to the place and seeing it again makes me hold my breath and I can feel my jaw tighten and body tense - so illogical but none the less real.   Maybe I will be able to overcome that with tomorrows visit.     Strange how I have made that hospital so symbolic for pain, suffering and loss - they really do help thousands of people a year - miracles really do happen there  - I saw them happen - they just didn't happen for our Gracie. 

So I am going to surrender to this event, not an easy thing for me by any means.  I will be still and listen for what I am to learn or give and I will trust that I am being called back there for a reason. 

So Gracie, you will be with us tomorrow in our thoughts and in hearts, even more then usual - I hope you can feel our love for you - Always and forever as I promised you.

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