Monday, June 7, 2010

She became an Angel 1 year ago today

The day we have all been dreading has arrived - we said our final goodbye to Gracie at 8:38pm one year ago. 

I got to spend some time with Katie this weekend and she was able to share with me some of her grief and what she thinks and feels.  It is heart breaking to watch and hear her pain and all I can do is keep encouraging her talk about it.  I now know and understand that keeping it all inside your head only allows the wounds to seep and burn but never heal. 

Don't get me wrong - I don't think you get over losing your child - I think you come to accept it even though you don't want to and it is the hardest thing  for someone to accept.  It is not right or normal to have to learn to accept a loss such as this.   There is no timeline - today is not a magic wand that takes it all away and life suddenly turns back to "normal".    Acceptance means you live with it everyday, for the rest of your life and yet not allow it to rule your life - at least that is my definition, the best I can articulate at this time. 

Today I wanted to honor my granddaughter's life and be with my daughter to give her support and love.  We spoke of a few things we could do, and I promised myself that however the day went was the way it was supposed to be. 

Signs...  Some may believe in them and some may not - I know we attach meaning to things every day.  However the approach of this day has brought many "signs" for me.... 
1.  I have a pink rose bush that is 7 years old and blooms every year at this time  - about a 1 week ago I noticed there was one branch that was growing wildly - like a climbing rose  and I picked it up and wound it around a trellis - it bloomed a deep crimson red - a different kind of rose then the bush I planted.  I keep looking to see where it grew from and it comes from inside the original rose bush - 1 long vine.  The regular rose bush bloomed it's first rose and it is a beautiful pink rose - it is not cross pollination. 
2.  I put a basket of flowers in the corner of my house along with an angel statue I got from a neighbor and a statue (plaque) with wind chimes by the flowers.    I then also have 2 wind catchers (like pin wheels) by the flowers...    The first 5 days, I would come home and the Plaque had fallen over  and I kept putting in a different position and  the next day it would tipped over.    On Saturday I laughing said to Katie, as I was resetting the plaque yet once again, I said Gracie keeps kicking this over and we giggled.     The next day I went out and the pin wheel was all laying down fully apart on the lawn  (another one was untouched)  The plague was not tipped over.   I came in the house and said you won't believe what happened now - and Katie asked if it was tipped over and I said no.  Katie said good because I yelled at her and told her stop doing that.  I said well the pin wheel was all torn apart and on the lawn - just like a kid??? 

Whatever your beliefs - I choose to believe she was letting us know she was near and OK - After Katie left - nothing more has happened.,

3.  This morning I walked in to the Bank and there was an elderly person behind me.... The teller called out... Hi Grace - how are you doing today?    I just smiled.

Today - I watched the DVD that was made by the photographer the hospital called that night.  They took pictures until Katie asked them to stop before Gracie was taken off support.  The DVD is put to incredible moving music and I again cried and cried.... I am still amazed because through all of it - you can SEE love in those pictures.    It was the most loving, precious, amazing, heart wrenching - time in my life - so hard to put in to words. 

Today - Katie and I along with Wayne spent the day together - She wanted to stay at home and try to forget the day, and I was afraid she would back out - but she didn't.    We got balloons and wrote our messages on them and released them to the sky, outside the Children's zoo.  We had a picnic at a park w/Wayne and then took him to the zoo after the balloon release.  Katie wasn't sure she could take being around the kids - but all went well and Wayne enjoyed it immensely.  He got a balloon to keep for himself.  

I thought is was great way to honor Gracie - we spent it together, with her brother, we sent her our love and messages and we took her w/us in our hearts and minds to places an 18 month child would have loved.  I have asked Katie that we create this day as a day we take her someplace special with us every year and Katie has agreed.   It will be a special day for us and we will honor her life and the gift it was to us even if only for a short time. 

As for may daughter -  whose pain I can not erase, I found this poem for her and I hope it helps a little.......

Letter to Mom
    Author:  Joy Curnutt

Mom please don't feel guilty
It was my time to go.
I see you are still feeling sad
And the tears just seem to flow.

We all come to earth for our lifetime
And for some it is not many years.
I don't want you to keep crying,
You are shedding so many tears.

I haven't really left you,
Even though it may seem so.
I have just gone to my heavenly home
And I am closer to you then you know.

Just believe that when you say my name
I am standing next to you.
I know you long to see me,
But there is nothing I can do.

But I'll still send you messages
And  hope you understand.
That when your time comes to "cross over"
I'll be there to take your hand.


I thought I would blog today about her last day and all that happened and hows she was - but just like the day  - it happened like it was supposed to and so this blog flowed from me, like it needed to. 

Gracie - We will always love you  - "Always & forever"  and we will take you with us in hearts and thoughts for the rest of our lives.    Keep sending us signs!!

Love, Grammie

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