Mass of Remembrance....

Yesterday I attended mass for all souls day.  Our church invites anyone who has lost a loved one at any time, but especially those who have lost people in past year.   I wanted to go in honor of Gracie.

Well I am not sure if it was good or bad - I was very emotional right from the start, couldn't stop the tears.  At one point I wanted to leave, actually run, because I wanted to sob openly and I sure didn't want to do it there.  But it was at a time that everyone was sitting and I didn't want to draw attention to myself.  As I sat there, my abdomen cramped so hard, I didn't know if was going to be sick or pass out - I am not sure I could have stood and walked out.  All I could do was keep breathing deeply.   It kept happening in waves - it was so intense it was scary.  Then when it was time to place a candle in her honor, I of course was a basket case.  I was embarrassed.

I don't know why these moments come over me when I am not in a place where I can just let it out.  It happens at work, church, when I am frustrated, pissed.   I know the the pain in by abdomen is caused by trying to keep it all inside - I know I am supposed to feel it and let it happen, but that isn't always possible.  Even today, I feel like I did 1000 crunches (I should be lucky to be able to do that) - I hurt.   

I am going to be at planning meetings for work the next 3 days - 12 hrs. a day and I don't give a dang about work right now.  I know that much of my angst with some of my co-workers stems from this whole thing - but I seem to be unable to control it or handle it.  My boss asked what I needed, she has been a godsend in this, she asked if I feel God with me and the answer I said was NO.  I mean I have asked for help, but I don't feel it - I don't know if I can right now.

I am mad that I have fallen in to this bottomless pit of dispair - and I know it logically but I can't stop it.  I don't understand it - I know she's gone and she is not coming back - I have never reacted like this.  Some people have said that there is more wrapped up in this, but I don't understand why, I thought I was OK with all that has happened - it is just life, everyone goes through struggles, I haven't gone through anymore then most people. 

I wanted to write last night after mass, thought it might help but I was too upset and exhausted.  I came home and ate a little and went to bed.  Even after 8 hours of sleep, I think I could have slept till noon. 

I just read the blog of the one of the mom's whose son got his wings a couple of weeks after Gracie and she has had her share of struggles.  She has been really working hard at raising money for CHD, UofM hospital and raising awareness for all types of congenital heart defects - she has done alot.  I am not sure that even if I had the time, that I could do what she has done.   In her latest blog she wrote about a very serious illness she just had and was hospitalized and put on ventilator - she saw her son and was able to speak with him and God and she has found her faith again and some peace.  Some people will not believe that story or will have all kinds of reasons for it - but I was happy for her and even a little jealous - not of her illness, but the gift she was given. '

This blog has been a little bit of everything and I am resisting the urge to delete it, but I will be brave and just put it out there.  It is just where I am at for now -  I promised to write as if no one is reading.

Another Day

Well I don't have a lot of patience for people I am working with right now and EVERYTHING feels so personal.  I am quick to anger and then it brings on tears which only makes me more angry.  It is just a very busy time at work and we don't seem to be working together, but rather every person for themselves.  Feels like drowning.

I don't think I am in a space that can really differienate between the "normal stuff" at work and my own junk - it all feels like the same. 

I talked with a good friend today who really got my feelings of depression and how hard it is to make it through the day.  I always thought that a person could get themselves out of a depression if they just realized it.  Well trust me, I've realized it and yet still can't pull myself out of it - not really anyway.  I can make myself do things but everything is hard and overwhelming.  So I am just going to try and do what I can and let the rest go for now, quite frankly even that seems like work.  I am just going to take it one day at a time.  

At least I have talked with my husband and he is very understanding -I am luck and grateful to have him in my life. 

Experience the Grief

"The only way to get through grief is to experience it"  that is what I have been trying to avoid, but apparently that is not the best way!!  I went to my first couseling appointment today - she is very nice and I of course was a mess - normally I can talk about it just fine - but not today - guess I just needed to let it out. 

I feel totally drained, as she said I might and I am just relaxing now.   Funny how when things like this happen you withdraw, instead of letting people in and help you - it is hard to do it - it feels very un-natural for me. 

She thought that blogging was really a good outlet, but thought I was probably worried about doing it right and she is right.  So as I begin to peel back the layers of grief we'll see what falls out.   I guess I just need to start grieving and let it be whatever way it is - not easy for me to do this - but I will try.

OK today...

Today I attended my twin nieces birthdays - lots of kids around.  There was a baby girl - 6 1/2 months and she had no problem coming to me - a complete stranger, her family was suprised.  It was fun to play with her and yes I kept wondering about what Gracie would be doing - but I never confused who I was holding with Gracie and it felt good to hold another baby and be able to enjoy it.  I have always loved babies, cuddling, feeding, rocking - all of it.  It was good to be able to do it again.  I admit though I was a little jealous of the grandmother who has this sweet baby to enjoy and love and I wished I had my Gracie back.

I seemed to have handled it fine - it didn't put me a depressed mood or anything - it was just fine.    I consider this progress for now  - even it is only for the day. 

Bad Day

I don't know what came over me at work today - the same petty stuff was happening and today I was so angry at everyone, I was shaking and I couldn't stop the tears - I was in a strategic planning meeting and I couldn't hold back tears.  I was embarrassed and yet I was so mad - I actually felt like vomiting.  My boss got me calmed down - she is very skilled at listening to people and she always seems to have a calming effect.  But it was always there - underneath and if I didn't keep my mind off of it, I could easily have become a crying mess again..  Even on my drive home - I couldn't stop it and the shaking came back too.  I think I am turning in to a basket case.

I know it is depression - I don't know why I can't shake it - I am a logical person, I know what is happening and I still can't stop it.  If I didn't work - I could so easily stay at home and not talk to a single sole and I would be totally comfortable doing that most of the time.  That is not who I am, I like to be busy and going. 

My sister-in-law has invited me and some other women to go up north for a "girls weekend" - I accepted and now I don't want to go and it seems so overwhelming to do that and be gone the whole weekend etc.  I am having a hard enough time just trying to get my house back in order and do the laundry.  After being gone every weekend to our cottage things at home get put aside, but it all seems exhausting to do.    I think if left to my own - I could sleep 12 hours a day  - again not who I am normally.  I think part of my exhaustion is just working so hard to be normal and pretend it is all OK.

I hate being like this - out of control- feeling like I am faking being something I am not.  I know it is me - I just don't know how to do it differently.  Why can't I get a grip?  I have lost other people in my life and never have gone through this - I loved them too, but I managed to handle the loss much better then this. 

I found out today that apparently my insurance doesn't cover counseling - I was considering not going, but after today I know I need to go, I can't go on like this - I know I can't continue to pretend, it is exhausting.  Maybe I have moved to the angry phase - but why do I seem to cry uncontrollably? 

Grieving process continues....

Recently while attending a communications course, I realized how much I had been burying my feelings of grief.  It was totally a suprise to me, I thought I was doing much better - had gone through all the phases of grief... NOT SO!!  What I saw was that I had been grieving like it was project to complete.  So I convinced myself I was through the worst part of it and now was just missing her- but actually I'm in the denial phase - not denial of her death, but denial that I am still grieving for her. 

I really was able to see how repressed I have made myself in an attempt to "get through it".  I knew I wasn't able to talk about it - which is why I started the blog, but then this wasn't doing for me what I thought.   What I have really repressed is my ability to be with the deep sadness (grief) I have been feeling and pretending I don't.  It has been underlying everything - just waiting to burst out when my guard was down.   So  during the class when were asked to close our eyes and think about a time we experienced real love - I quickly remembered my husband the day I was diagnosed with cancer - I found out that day how much I was truly and deeply loved by my husband.  I used to say it was the best and worst of my life.   Now it was no longer my worst day, and my mind quickly flashed to Gracie's last hours (this happened so fast before I could even think about it, like turning the channel on the TV and there we were,  all in the room saying goodbye to Gracie..  There - in all that horrible sadness and heart break, was this tremendous feeling of total & complete love in that room.  Even when you look at the pictures - you can see pain on my daughters face and you can see incredible love too - it sounds crazy but there was such an outpouring of love for Gracie and for each other - you can see it in pictures.  I remember when I first saw the pictures, what struck me was the how strong and beautiful my daughter looked and then when you looked at everyone else - you can see their pain but through love.  So hard to explain and put in to words. 

I have begun to realize that I have been able to have laughter, but I have been keeping myself closed off to really letting love in and probably out too - because it is like opening a wound again. I have been in denial of all of this. 

I talked with my daughter and told her that what I have been seeing her do - I have been doing the same thing, just in a different way.   I decided it was time to talk with someone and made an appointment.  To my suprise, my daughter has decided to do the same thing - she sees it is taking over her life too.  Depression....some days it feels like a huge and very heavy wet blanket on my shoulders and it is so hard to fight it off - which is why I am exhausted many days.    It takes a lot of work to fight it off and now I realize I just fight it in to submission for awhile - but I haven't defeated it yet.    I sure have done a "pretty good job" hiding it - even from myself.

Gracie would have been 10 months yesterday - I saw a little girl in church on Sunday with big blue eyes - at least I could smile at her, but then I had to look away before the tears came.  What would she be doing now??  I try not to ask those questions - but it is so hard not to. 

My friends have told me to not be so hard on myself - this process will take sometime - I just have realize it is OK to be sad and it is OK to grieve for her and stop trying to rush through the grieving process.

Four Months..

It has been 4 months today that Gracie got her wings.  Sometimes it seems so much longer.  Some days it seems like forever since  I have seen her and touched her.  Other days it seems like it just happened.  She would have been 9 months old this month.  I wonder how long her hair would be and how many teeth she would have.  Would she have a laugh like her brother or love to bounce like he did?  What things would she love to do?

For whatever reason - next month bothers me - when she will be gone longer then she was here - it seems so unfair, afraid that she will not be remembered.  I feel like only her mom and I think about her, no one else wants to talk about it.  I have been to a lot of hospitals for family members since Gracie passed and if I relate anything to Gracie, I can tell it makes people uncomfortable.  I think they feel they need to say something about her and that isn't it at all, I am just relaying an experience.   I need to be able to say her name and talk about her and all I need is people to listen, that's all. 

Recently I was talking with a coworker and discovered that they have been dealing with their child who was injured in an accident as a toddler and is now 7 or 8 and has been in a vegatative state since the injury.  We spoke of  the issues the child has and how illnesses really become severe for the child very quickly.  This person has been thinking about the childs quality of life for some time and has been unable to discuss it with the other parent.  As I listened and could understand the very difficult decision that was being made, I offered that  maybe the other parent could be enrolled in the possibility of giving this child a peaceful death and this childs name is Grace.  I was able to have this conversation for my co-worker to give them support in any way I could, even if it was just listening.   But later, I kept thinking about it and though how odd it was that I would find myself on other side of similar situation and have the childs name be Grace. 

When we were going through the final weeks of Gracie's life, I too had a person talk with me and ask me what I wanted for her?  I knew I didn't want her to suffer, but at first I couldn't think of her dying - but then I realized I wanted her passing to be as peaceful as possible.  I watched my daughter and Gracie's dad struggle with this also - what a horrible decision to have to make.   But in the end, we wanted her to not suffer anymore.  

Still to this day, I wish we could take the decision back - but then I force myself to look at the pictures of her during those last weeks and I know in my head that my daughter made the right decision for her daughter.  I wish I could get it from my head to my heart.

I always pray that I could see her one more time in my dreams, but I never do.  Maybe my head is protecting my heart.