Saturday, October 16, 2010

As time goes by.......

I know it has been a long time and I have written so many blogs in my mind on the way to and from work.  I have been in a state of "flux" - Gracie changed our lives and I am no longer the same person - I find myself wondering and searching for what I can do for others who are experiencing the same things.  I don't know what that is = I have made blankets for the hospital through a program started by another CHD Mom.  I need to make some now - but have not had time for any sewing at all.   

I have encountered 3  people who have very sick children and I have been there to hear their stories and cry with them and give them understanding.  Heaven knows I am not an educated counselor - but I know I can listen and they don't feel so isolated talking to someone who has experienced similar issues with a child of their own.  I have another opportunity to talk to a family who have lost their child and the grandparents too - and I want to - but I don't want anyone thinking I have any more answers then  another person - I just understand how to listen and have a story to share too. 

I often hear the name Gracie being spoken in strangers conversations as I pass them - it used to throw me in to a tail spin - but now I smile and look up and tell her I love her too.   I choose to believe that I hear it for a reason and I now cherish those moments. 

I am finally realizing how lost I was at this time last year - I was really in a different  and dark and lonely place, deep in grief and depression and for a long time I was scared I would go back there - but I no longer fear that.  My love for Gracie is eternal,, sweet and pure and it often warms me from the same place that I used to feel a hole in the center of my chest.  Holding other baby girls is always special - but it never feels like Gracie and although that is probably  healthy,  sometimes it feels like such a let down - silly probably but I guess I will always want to experience little piece of her again.  

In the beginning you can't imagine how you can live without this child and it is all unfair and wrong and horribly painful.  Then I thought OK, I will get through it like I have all other losses in my life, but I was so very wrong!!  This loss is always there, but you can learn to live again..  As I have read other parents stories of loss and grief, I realized it always there for them, some days are harder then others.  Even years after, there are still tough hours or days for various reasons that trigger it again.  When I first realized this - I thought, how can anyone live through this... there is no "through it"..... it just is there....  I really resisted that for sometime because it seemed unbearable to think of experiencing it over and over.  I struggled with this for a long time.    Ever so slowly I have come to understand how life goes on and yes, the loss is always there because nothing can make it right, change it or take it away.  You can't reason it away, when you lose a child because there is no good reason good enough.  But then I realized that the love never dies - you always feel love for this child. That has given me some peace - I can still experience here through love.   I choose to take the moments like hearing her name spoken by strangers or seeing it printed or hear it onTV and I embrace those moments and the feelings that come and I honor her.  She is more then a memory and she is never forgotten.  

Some days I miss her so much and it is more difficult then others.  I will always wonder what she would look like today, how big would she be, what would her voice sound like and what kind of life would she be living?   Those questions will always be there, unanswered.   Some days the tears are there again and it is OK to let them fall.   I believe I have "accepted" it as much as anyone can accept something like this. 

Gracie's life has forever changed our lives and she will always be with us.  I will continue to look for ways to honor her life and have her spirit allow me to help others.  I still struggle trying to find it, but I think it will show itself to me one day, when God thinks I am ready.  Having faith in God helps in many ways, I don't know how I would have gotten this far without it.  However the loss is always there and I will carry her w/me forever. 

I love you Gracie - Always and Forever,
Grammie