Today I was cleaning out my sewing room and trying to get it organized. I found I had alot of material and no time to sew. So I divided it up and labeled totes so I can find it when I have the time. In cleaning out I ran across the material I used to make blankets for Gracie and found my grandma's brag book for her. I found a piece of material of the last blanket she was wrapped in and I cut a piece of it and placed in her memory box that the hospital gave us.
Hopefully soon I will be able to make more blankets for the children at Mott - it makes me feel good to do that. I feel like I am doing something good for others and honoring her at the same time.
Easter is next weekend and the family will be here - Gracie will be in our thoughts and in our hearts!!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Another Day
Went shopping for my grandchildren today - I always buy summer clothes for them at Easter. I couldn't help but think about last year and all the little clothes I bought for Gracie...... ones she never wore. I have a hard time going in to the girls department to buy for my other granddaughter Izabel. I buy for the 2 boys and I know I should be buying for 2 girls.
I watched 3 babies last weekend in church - I think they were all 3 months or under - I find myself looking for her in the faces of other babies... pretty silly I know, but I do - I think because I often wonder what she would be doing now or how she would look. That is really different from when an adult dies - you don't think about them getting older - but with children you do, especially when they are so young.
I wish I understood why the loss seems so raw again - maybe it is the grieving process - Your mind and body only take so much at a time, so I guess it is time for more grieving and I just need to not fight it.
So Gracie - I hope you feel my love for you this night and know you are always and forever with me - just like I promised you.
I watched 3 babies last weekend in church - I think they were all 3 months or under - I find myself looking for her in the faces of other babies... pretty silly I know, but I do - I think because I often wonder what she would be doing now or how she would look. That is really different from when an adult dies - you don't think about them getting older - but with children you do, especially when they are so young.
I wish I understood why the loss seems so raw again - maybe it is the grieving process - Your mind and body only take so much at a time, so I guess it is time for more grieving and I just need to not fight it.
So Gracie - I hope you feel my love for you this night and know you are always and forever with me - just like I promised you.
Friday, March 19, 2010
A letter on her 15 month birthday
Well in my haste to post the letter I wrote - I found some errors in it but I know anyone would still understand it. Actually it was pretty cathartic to write it and it just flowed out. I hope it does some good and I hope that the world hears the pleas of all the children who have been born with CHD.
Looking at some of the pictures again - were yes painful but I could feel the deep love for all that she went through and for all my daughter went through and continues to do so.
Today she would have been 15 months old - so hard to imagine what she would look like now. I know her bright blue eyes would be shining and although she wouldn't have a toothless grin - her smile would still light up the world.
I know Gracie has been close because within in a 24 hour period - I couldn't stop thinking about her and Katie was feeling her too and then my boss said she opened a book and it totally brought Gracie to mind - out of the blue for her. All of us having this feeling at the same time.... silly maybe - but I believe in it.
Love, Grammie
Looking at some of the pictures again - were yes painful but I could feel the deep love for all that she went through and for all my daughter went through and continues to do so.
Today she would have been 15 months old - so hard to imagine what she would look like now. I know her bright blue eyes would be shining and although she wouldn't have a toothless grin - her smile would still light up the world.
I know Gracie has been close because within in a 24 hour period - I couldn't stop thinking about her and Katie was feeling her too and then my boss said she opened a book and it totally brought Gracie to mind - out of the blue for her. All of us having this feeling at the same time.... silly maybe - but I believe in it.
Love, Grammie
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Heart Letter to Washington
There will soon be a documentary on PBS for CHD and they are willing to take our letters to Washington to see if we can get awareness for CHD.
Here is my letter - (Pictures aren't all happy ones) The letter printed better
Gracie Lou Lavoie
Born – December 19, 2008
All seemed perfect that day! This beautiful child entered our lives and hearts forever.
We were told she was perfect, everything was fine. Even though she was breathing and sounding congested, we were told she was fine. Her 2 week checkup we were told he was fine – she was perfect.
February, 4, 2009 – she became very congested and wouldn’t eat. She was taken ito the E.R. and admitted for RSV. She was intubated to help her breathe because she could no longer do it all by herself. For the next 17 days she was in ICU in a coma and we waited hour by hour to see if she would survive. Every day they took x-rays and monitored her – finally she turned the corner and began to recover.
She had a hard time holding her oxygen levels for several days after being moved to regular care and we were told she was fine – she would recover fully – nothing else wrong and she went home 22 days later. She was perfect.
Three and half weeks later she seemed to have some breathing issues again and she was rushed back to the hospital and she was tested for RSV and it was negative. They said don’t worry – she is fine, give breathing treatments if you feel she needs them. She is perfect.
Then at 4 ½ months, at a check up, they discovered a heart murmur and low oxygen levels and she was rushed back to the hospital and they couldn’t understand what was wrong. Finally they did an echogram and discovered she had two holes in heart (ASD) a was missing her right pulmonary artery, pulmonary stenosis in her left lung and pulmonary hypertension – she was rushed down to U of M - Mott Children’s hospital . She was born we these defects – her heart and lungs were NEVER perfect and it went totally undiagnosed until it was too late
This was the LAST day we saw her awake, smiling and laughing and we prayed that her heart & lungs could be made perfect.
Why is CHD awareness important?
So NO parent, grandparent, brother or sister have to see their loved one like this.
So they don’t have to be told there is no hope.
So parents aren’t being asked to make impossible decisions that mean life & death for their child.
So they don’t have to be told it’s too late – maybe if it had been discovered sooner.
So all medical professionals are trained on what to look for - CHD is the #1 Birth Defect and the medical profession isn’t aware enough to know what to look for!
So beautiful , innocent children have a chance to live the life they deserve.
So families never have to say good-bye this way
.JPG)
.JPG)
Gracie Lou Lavoie
Earned her Wings
June 7th, 2009
She is now a PERFECT Angel
.JPG)
.JPG)
I pray that some one hears the hearts of these children and the sounds of all the tears that have been shed.
Here is my letter - (Pictures aren't all happy ones) The letter printed better
Gracie Lou Lavoie
Born – December 19, 2008
All seemed perfect that day! This beautiful child entered our lives and hearts forever.
We were told she was perfect, everything was fine. Even though she was breathing and sounding congested, we were told she was fine. Her 2 week checkup we were told he was fine – she was perfect.
February, 4, 2009 – she became very congested and wouldn’t eat. She was taken ito the E.R. and admitted for RSV. She was intubated to help her breathe because she could no longer do it all by herself. For the next 17 days she was in ICU in a coma and we waited hour by hour to see if she would survive. Every day they took x-rays and monitored her – finally she turned the corner and began to recover.
She had a hard time holding her oxygen levels for several days after being moved to regular care and we were told she was fine – she would recover fully – nothing else wrong and she went home 22 days later. She was perfect.
Three and half weeks later she seemed to have some breathing issues again and she was rushed back to the hospital and she was tested for RSV and it was negative. They said don’t worry – she is fine, give breathing treatments if you feel she needs them. She is perfect.
Then at 4 ½ months, at a check up, they discovered a heart murmur and low oxygen levels and she was rushed back to the hospital and they couldn’t understand what was wrong. Finally they did an echogram and discovered she had two holes in heart (ASD) a was missing her right pulmonary artery, pulmonary stenosis in her left lung and pulmonary hypertension – she was rushed down to U of M - Mott Children’s hospital . She was born we these defects – her heart and lungs were NEVER perfect and it went totally undiagnosed until it was too late
This was the LAST day we saw her awake, smiling and laughing and we prayed that her heart & lungs could be made perfect.
Why is CHD awareness important?
So NO parent, grandparent, brother or sister have to see their loved one like this.
So they don’t have to be told there is no hope.
So parents aren’t being asked to make impossible decisions that mean life & death for their child.
So they don’t have to be told it’s too late – maybe if it had been discovered sooner.
So all medical professionals are trained on what to look for - CHD is the #1 Birth Defect and the medical profession isn’t aware enough to know what to look for!
So beautiful , innocent children have a chance to live the life they deserve.
So families never have to say good-bye this way
.JPG)
.JPG)
Gracie Lou Lavoie
Earned her Wings
June 7th, 2009
She is now a PERFECT Angel
.JPG)
.JPG)
I pray that some one hears the hearts of these children and the sounds of all the tears that have been shed.
Monday, March 15, 2010
9 MONTHS....
I am having a hard time right now - not sure why. I guess because we are coming closer to the 1 yr. anniversary - I know it is 3 months away - maybe because it is after February's memories. I don't know but she sure has been on my mind much more then usual - having a hard looking at baby girl clothes and thinking about upcoming Easter - which was our last holiday with her. I have a video of her and I can't bring myself to watch it.
Just feeling a little lost it seems. Seeing pictures with babies in them even sends little pains to my heart. We sang Amazing Grace on Sunday and I didn't cry - I sang the whole song and covered my heart with my hand at the end in her memory and of how I last held her. The seventh of the month passed and I couldn't bring myself to write - not that I wasn't remembering, just couldn't write about it.
When I get down for a few days, I fear I am falling backwards in the darkness - and I don't want go there again - it is a very scary place. But I think I am just afraid of it and whenever I feel down - I get worried about it.
So Gracie - just know I love you always and forever and you will always be in my heart.
Just feeling a little lost it seems. Seeing pictures with babies in them even sends little pains to my heart. We sang Amazing Grace on Sunday and I didn't cry - I sang the whole song and covered my heart with my hand at the end in her memory and of how I last held her. The seventh of the month passed and I couldn't bring myself to write - not that I wasn't remembering, just couldn't write about it.
When I get down for a few days, I fear I am falling backwards in the darkness - and I don't want go there again - it is a very scary place. But I think I am just afraid of it and whenever I feel down - I get worried about it.
So Gracie - just know I love you always and forever and you will always be in my heart.
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